


LA is not for the weak

by gardener



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Band Fic, Daddy Kink, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Los Angeles, M/M, Panic, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-03-28 06:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13898220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardener/pseuds/gardener
Summary: Anybody who has ever lived in LA can second that the vibe is off. So much goes down in Los Angeles every single day that there is no way you can know everything about this city. Negative energies have the tendency to spread much quicker than positive ones, and it shows.Having lived in Los Angeles for as little as a couple of months, perhaps even less, can change you for the rest of your life. Some people recover from LA, almost as if it were a flu, but some people can never seem to snap out of it. For those of the last category, even if they are on the other side of the world, they are still in LA. Or, really, LA is still in them.After everything that has happened in the past couple of years, Luke Hemmings is not doing okay. Los Angeles has really started to take its toll on him, and the constant pressure of being in the public eye doesn't make it any easier.





	1. a little bit of backstory

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter just gives a little bit of back story about what has happened in the years previous. The story will be taking place in/around the present. I'm a little nervous about posting this, as it's been a while since I've actually written something I'm cool with, but I'm doing it anyways. I constantly try really hard to follow the reality, as far as I can through social media, and there's also a bit of what I genuinely think has happened over the past years, but this is obviously fiction, so none of it is evidently true. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story. Leave a kudo and a comment if you can find the time, it works very motivating!

 

Anybody who has ever lived in LA can second that the vibe is off. So much goes down in Los Angeles every single day that there is no way you can know everything about this city. Negative energies have the tendency to spread much quicker than positive ones, and it shows.  
            Having lived in Los Angeles for as little as a couple of months, perhaps even less, can change you for the rest of your life. Some people recover from LA, almost as if it were a flu, but some people can never seem to snap out of it. For those of the last category, even if they are on the other side of the world, they are still in LA. Or, really, LA is still in them.

‘I don’t know how you do it.’ That was one of the things that Luke would often say to Ashton. Ashton Irwin snapped out of the LA mindset as soon as they left the city. He would leave all of that energy behind and just move on. This was something that made Luke Hemmings question his own sanity. Because if Ashton could do it, then why couldn’t he?  
            You see, it wasn’t so much the snapping _out of_ _it_ that Luke admired about his bandmate. It was more that Ashton never really seemed to get _into_ _it_. The great vibes of Sydney, Australia, lived inside of him. They made him sunny. Not the type of sunny you would find when you were lying on Venice Beach around noon. Ashton was the type of sunny that you could only find in the suburban neighborhoods of Sydney on a Friday afternoon, when the children are full of joy because the weekend has just started, and they’re skipping rope and playing tag with their friends. It was extraordinary.

LA was going on a hike in the beautiful hills at 3 pm, eating a kale salad with a green smoothie on the side at 7 and doing a line of cocaine at 11. It was quite the lifestyle, and Luke found it hard not to get lost in it. 5 Seconds of Summer were very close to dropping their new single and announcing a tour. Something as big as that brought lots of stress with it, and realistically speaking, some band members were really able to handle that better than others.  
            Michael Clifford was quite relaxed under the whole thing. He had a lot of faith in how the song was going to be received. Being in Los Angeles also gave him the opportunity to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend, Crystal, which made him very happy.  
            Calum had been very nervous about bringing out Want You Back, handing the song they had worked on for so long to the public, because once it’s in their hands, there is no turning back. All you can do from that point is just anxiously wait for reactions and pray to God it’s going to be received well. He was relatively quiet about it. They all, however, noticed that he needed a lot more alone time than he did before. He would often just call it a day and go home very early or wouldn’t show up to a gathering or party at all. They all accepted and understood it. LA was a lot.  
            Ashton, as forementioned, was a ray of sunshine, no matter where and when. He’d grown up a lot over the past years, but in the last couple of months it had all gone so quickly that the other 5SOS members had a hard time getting a hold of him.

Luke had been doing exponentially worse after his painful breakup with Arzaylea Rodriquez, and things had really gone to _shit_. Luke and Arzaylea’s relationship was definitely one of the reasons it took 5 Seconds of Summer so long to release new music, why they needed such a big break before stepping back into the big bad world with new releases. Their relationship had a duration of a good two years, but it had started to get toxic only months in. There was a lot of drugs and cheating on both ends, and of course the back stabbing each other on social media platforms Twitter and Instagram. There was the possessiveness, the jealousy and the endless fighting. It was a recipe for the disaster, really. They brought out the worst in each other, and it weighed heavily on Luke’s career and friendships.

It was mainly his friendship with Ashton that had suffered. Ashton had always been very protective of Luke. He just saw him as this vulnerable person that needed to be taken under his wing. The blond had been a few months short of 19 when he had met Arzaylea, and Ashton’s opinion had meant everything to him up to that point. He wasn’t in love, but he was addicted to her. If Ashton had said something along the lines of “I don’t like her” a year before that, or maybe even with anybody else or in any other situation, he would have ended the relationship and crawled back into the safe, protective arms of the hazel-eyed man so quickly that it would have almost seemed pathetic. However, addictions can be tough to beat, so this wasn’t the case with Arzaylea. Instead, Luke grew hesitant of Ashton’s judgment and distanced himself from him. He fell down the hole of excessive drinking, cocaine and benzodiazepines quicker than anybody, including himself, could have anticipated, and the space between the two young men grew bigger and bigger.  
            In December of 2016, Ashton confronted Luke with his unacceptable behavior. He was putting everything at stake, and not just for himself. The blond had inexplicably kept his either drunk or high as balls self out the public eye, thus far, but Ashton was afraid that that would change soon. He was getting more reckless, to the point where Ashton caught him doing a line of coke in the bathroom at a very notorious influencer’s birthday party. There were camera’s everywhere. Besides, the man had been getting seriously worried Luke would do irreversible damage to himself. He really felt like he needed to talk to him, to try to get the old Luke back, so he did. It was _not_ received well. Ashton needed to mind his own business, according to the blond, and he was a big part of the problem.

‘Besides, I’m doing fine,’ the then 20-year-old had said. ‘Maybe if you would stop being so uptight, took a chill pill once in a while and stopped being so _fucking_ judgmental you would start feeling  a little bit better, too.’

That was where it all went crumbling down. Ashton was done with Luke for being such an asshole and Luke was done with Ashton for, well, disliking his girlfriend so much. Their friendship hung on a thin thread for months, after that. They avoided each other whenever possible and only talked to each other if it was absolutely necessary. It was taking its toll on not only both of them, but also everybody they were close with. Being in a popular band together and simultaneously having such a spiteful attitude towards each other really had no way of working out. Michael and Calum were constantly tiptoeing around the two, trying their best not to burst their bubbles. They were all afraid of another outburst. All four of them.  
            The second outburst never came. In May 2017, the inevitable “Larzaylea” breakup took place. Arzaylea had attended Coachella with Luke, but snuck out to have sex with Matthew Musto, better known as Blackbear. They had already been having contact for a while, and this wasn’t the first time they slept together. Luke knew about it. Well, he didn’t _know_ about it, but he had his suspicions. Said suspicions got more than confirmed that May. She had cheated on him before, many times even, and he hadn’t been sacred either, but it was never like this. It was always under the influence of some type of drug, and it was never with the same person more than once. They had just had a long conversation about it and he felt so betrayed, so _fucked up_. That was the end. He broke up with her.  
            Luke was too proud the first month or so, but the whole pathetically crawling back into the safe, protective arms of the hazel-eyed man did eventually take place. Approximately two years late, but better late than never. It took a while to reconcile their friendship, but all four band members were overjoyed about “Lashton” getting back together anyway. They had nearly lost the hope that it would get better at all, so every step in the right direction counted as a victory.

Their friendship was something that Luke had really, _really_ needed. He had always been an anxious person, but after quitting the drugs, especially the benzo’s, his anxiety had drastically increased. Ashton knew about it. Michael and Calum, too, but even though Luke couldn’t really pinpoint why, looking back, he didn’t see those two band members a lot back then. Once Ashton and Luke had really gotten their friendship back on track and every distance that there had been beforehand was closed, Ashton was the one who was _really_ there for him. Luke would get severe anxiety and panic attacks in the middle of the night. He could literally call Ashton right then, no matter what hour it was, and he would answer the phone. He had, on multiple occasions, even driven to Luke’s apartment nearly 30 minutes away at 3 or 4 am, because the blond was so upset. He would stay with him for the night, play relaxing games and drink chamomile tea with him or just hold him until he fell asleep. Luke thought that that was true friendship, and he had never appreciated Ashton more, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t call Ashton every night, because he didn’t want to bother him, but he did need something to calm him down. He started taking Xanax again.

Living in Los Angeles was ruining him. He had never been in LA for this long before, and now he understood why. Luke measured the width of his arms, legs and waist and weighed himself every single day. He stopped eating dairy and gluten, but started doing cocaine more regularly again and still drank way too much on the weekends. Everything was fucked up and he didn’t talk to anybody about it.  
            They went on tour in August and Luke had never been happier to leave LA in his life. They slept in hotels and Luke and Ashton were roommates the entire time, from 8/13 in South Korea all the way through to 9/15 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Luke had never been a huge hotel person, but he got some incredible night’s rests next to Ashton that month. When they were in Argentina, Luke realized that he would have to sleep alone again soon, because the tour was almost over. He freaked out about it, silently suffering for a few days before he broke down crying in front of Ashton the night he ran out of Xanax. He didn’t want to worry the man, but Ashton pried it out of him anyway. He proposed for Luke to move in with him, after the tour. His apartment was easily big enough for the both of them. Luke said yes.

Before the halfway mark of October, Luke had moved in. They spent a lot of time together, which was great for their well beings as well as for the band. Luke was feeling better. He was feeling a lot better, actually. All of the boys went back to Australia in December to spend time with their family over the Holidays. For the first time in months, Luke felt alive. There were even nights he didn’t pop a pill before hitting the hay.  
            They got back to LA in January. The band was together a lot, except Michael, because he was with Crystal all the time. It had led to a bit of a fallout between the boys, but especially because Calum was taking it very personally that Michael wasn’t around much anymore. The New Zealander was fun and goofy, like everybody knew him, but he also had a very insecure side. Ashton actively tried to be around Calum more, and because he and Luke lived together, that also meant that the younger one was involuntarily dragged into it. He loved Calum with his whole heart, but the intense insecurity about the whole Michael situation that hung around the young man was really starting to rub off on the blond. All was fine, though.

Then February came around.


	2. Feldmann

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the second chapter! I tried to be as precise as possible (date, time and location wise). I think I nailed it!  
> I love the comments you sent, thank you very much!

You know the feeling when you’re walking down the stairs and you miss a step? Luke had been feeling like that all day. It felt like the anxiety had wrapped itself around his heart and was constantly trying to pull it down. Ashton was in Cabo for the weekend, and the blond had no idea how to calm himself down. Ashton had been the one to pull him out of his anxiety and panic attacks for the past six months or so. Even the sole idea of him not being there freaked the man out, leave alone the actual fact that he genuinely, seriously wasn’t around right now.

 _‘Luke Hemmings!’_ he heard John Feldmann on the other side of the line. _‘What a nice surprise. What can I help you with?’_ Feldmann had been writing and producing for 5 Seconds of Summer for a long time now, but Luke had never gotten as close to the man as he had now. They had spent a lot of time in his studio recording the older music, and had only just let go off that father figure he was for them. The band had moved on to other writers and producers, to expand their knowledge and contacts. It had put Feldy in a completely different light, and Luke had been spending quite a bit of time with him, lately. He seemed like the perfect person to call.

‘Feldy.’ Luke was so grateful that the man had picked up the phone. ‘I…’ Yeah, what _could_ John help him with? ‘Are you busy right now?’

 _‘Not_ busy – busy. _’_ He heard music in the background. _‘Just finally getting around to working on this festival I’m presenting.’_ Who else was he going to call?

‘Oh, okay,’ he let out, almost in a long sigh. ‘No problem. I’ll call you-’

 _‘No, no, Luke, don’t be stupid.’_ John was laughing, now. _‘You should come over!’_

‘I don’t wanna bother you, John,’ said Luke. ‘I know you’ve been super busy lately.’

 _‘I could use some company, actually,’_ spoke the man. He sounded truthful, which calmed the blond. _‘Makes me more productive.’_

‘Are you sure?’

 _‘Yes, Luke, I’m 100 percent sure.’_ The young man smiled. _‘Come over.’’_ He nodded, but realized the man couldn’t see him.

‘Okay, thank you so much.’ He quickly snapped out of the relief. ‘Wait, you’re not in the Valley, right?’ He heard John laugh heartily.

 _‘No, Luke, I’m in the_ other _studio. The_ good _studio. I’ll text you the address, okay? I don’t know it by heart.’_ Luke always loved how John said his name after nearly every sentence. It made it seem so personal, and that soothed him. _‘It’s about 30 minutes away from Ashton’s house.’_ Thank God, he thought. 5SOS had recorded most of their album in The Valley, and it was a pain to get there. He would be in the car for hours, even though it was so close to home. Luke wouldn’t take the 101 freeway if his life depended on it.

‘I’ll be there in 30!’ He was about to hang up when he heard John’s voice yell something.

 _‘Skip Sunset! I was stuck in traffic for_ 40 minutes _on Sunset this morning. You don’t want that.’_

‘I won’t, don’t worry.’ He knew a shortcut to what John referred to as “the _good_ studio”. He had been there before, a couple of times.

He got ready relatively quickly, and drove to the studio in 50 minutes. Crazy traffic was unfortunately inevitable in Los Angeles, _all of_ Los Angeles. Being stuck in traffic was annoying, especially when you really needed to get somewhere fast, but Luke didn’t mind it that much. He had some good music in the car, and it gave him some time to mentally prepare for human interaction. He was afraid he would break down in front of John.

You see, there had been a little bit more going on lately. More than how badly his breakup had mentally fucked him up, and how nervous he was for the release of the album and the announcement of the 5SOS3 tour. His anxiety had been getting increasingly out of control, and even though there were many reasons he could pinpoint, there was one that really stood out. He questioned himself a lot, these days. It felt like everything he knew about himself was a lie. In the last couple of months, a few very specific feelings had surfaced – _re_ surfaced, actually.  
            This all goes back to years ago – over 5 years ago, to be more precise. Luke had been so young, back then, but he was building a career in music instead of figuring himself out. It was hard for him, because he was a mere 15 years old when 5 Seconds of Summer’s and therefore his career really skyrocketed. He was constantly spending time with Ashton, Calum and Michael, and that obviously made them grow very close very fast. He had known Calum and Michael for years, and they were like brothers to him, but it was different with Ashton. Luke was always blushing and he always felt tickles in his tummy when he was around. Maybe it was because he was older, maybe because he always gave Luke a little bit more attention than the rest. Because the blonde was so young, he had never felt anything like that before, and because he was so busy with music, he never found the time to really question it. I mean, he did _question_ it. He questioned it when he was lying in bed at night and a strange feeling settled in his stomach whenever he thought about the other boy, and when he asked himself why he didn’t have that feeling around anybody else, but he never really thought anything of it.  Ashton and Luke grew closer and closer, and the feeling got more intense every day.  
            Around came the Take Me Home Tour, on which 5SOS would be supporting One Direction in the UK, US, Australia and New Zealand. They shared a tour bus with the four of them, and would be doing everything together for the next months. It was amazing, and their music improved tremendously during the tour. Then there was a night, a night that Luke had been thinking about every day for the past months. It was in the beginning of April, and they had just played their second show in the O 2 Arena in London. They would have a day off, the next day, and had plans to go sightseeing in London. Luke remembered it all very vividly. The 5SOS boys went out with the 1D boys, right after the show, and they had booked a really nice hotel in the middle of the city, so they would finally be able to sleep in a comfortable bed again. Luke was tired, _really_ tired, and wanted to go back to the hotel early.

‘You can’t go back alone,’ Harry Styles had said, British accent clear as ever, a concerned look on his face. ‘I’ll come with you, drop you off and come back here, okay?’

‘We have a driver,’ Luke remembered he had noted. ‘I’ll be safe.’

‘I’ll come with you. I’m kinda tired anyway,’ a then 18-year-old Ashton had tuned in. ‘Let’s go.’ If he hadn’t said that, if he hadn’t come back to the hotel with Luke, it would have almost certainly never happened. But he did. He did say that, and he did come back to the hotel. And it _did_ happen.

The hotel lobby had been completely empty, apart from the receptionist, and they had gone straight up to their shared room. It was big, and there were two single beds that were both almost big enough to store two people. Luke had had a few drinks, at the club. Ashton had had a few drinks, too. Luke almost feverishly remembered Ashton saying that he wanted to talk for a little bit, and them both stripping down to their boxer shorts before crawling into the bed that Ashton had claimed together. It was an easy fit, they had enough space, but they cuddled anyways. They talked for what felt like hours, and laughed the exhaustion away. It was the moment they stopped talking, however, that was so special. The boys looked each other in the eyes, just smiling at one another lovingly, and it took minutes for them to realize they were moving closer and closer to each other. Then Ashton kissed Luke, and Luke kissed him back. It was soft at first, but then Ashton was on top of Luke, with the blond’s lip between his teeth and Luke’s hands in his hair. The then 16-year-old’s heart was beating so hard he thought it could explode out of his chest any second. They were both hard and rubbed against each other, fast and needy, like it was all they could do in that moment. It was so intense. They were moaning and panting into each other’s necks, whispering “I love you” every so many seconds, so connected that they simultaneously came in their boxers. Luke was so overwhelmed that he cried, and Ashton just held him.

‘You… You can’t tell anybody about this,’ Ashton had said, then, and Luke had just nodded. He didn’t _want_ to tell anybody about this.

When Luke woke up the next morning, Ashton was taking a shower. When he got out, he just smiled at the blond, and he smiled back.  
            They never talked about it, and things went back to normal. Ashton dated a few girls after that, and then Luke started doing the same thing. The feelings that Luke had always had around Ashton, the butterflies and the blushes, subdued, and they lived alongside each other with no problems other than minor arguments. That was, until Arzaylea came around, of course.  
            Obviously, they had been spending tons and tons of time together, lately – _hell_ , they were even living together – and the feelings that Luke had had back when all of that went down were coming back. Luke didn’t know what that meant, because he hadn’t questioned his sexuality for _years_. He had pushed that entire April night away, writing it off as an expression of love between two best friends, and some underlying curiosity. He had never felt what he felt for Ashton for anybody. He didn’t know how to deal with it. Things had been crazy, on his part, and the older one obviously noticed that something about his behavior was off, but Luke didn’t think he thought anything of it. It was like a crushing weight was constantly pulling him down, and slowly but surely, it was breaking him.

‘Luke!’ John Feldmann embraced him when he walked into the studio. ‘How are you doing, mate?’

‘I’m good, thanks,’ he said, hugging back. ‘Glad I could come over.’ They sat down on the gray couch, and John threw Luke a cold bottle of beer. He sat down next to him with a deep sigh. He opened the beers with the bottom of a lighter.

‘Let’s not beat around the bush, here, okay?’ the gray man got straight to the point. ‘When you called me, you definitely weren’t “good”, and your “I’m good, thanks” of two minutes ago wasn’t necessarily convincing either.’ He had been living in LA for years, but there was still a hint of an Australian accent in his voice. Luke thought that maybe that was one of the reasons he felt so comfortable around the man. That he perhaps reminded the blond of home.

‘I’m…’ Luke massaged his temples, the bottle of beer comfortably resting between his thighs. ‘I’m not good, no.’ He laughed a little. ‘But are you? Is anybody really “good”?’

‘Yeah, Luke,’ said John, frowning and with a little concern in his voice. ‘There’s still happiness in the world. You’re just in a rough patch of your life right now. Have been for a while, now. But that doesn’t mean things won’t get better.’ He brought it in such a sober manner that Luke didn’t immediately write it off as a big cliché. Instead, he listened. ‘I had a rough patch, too. Most people do. I was about your age, I think, maybe a little older. Things weren’t going the way I wanted them to. I worked my ass off and at that point in my life, I got nothing in return. But then I did, and I realized that all my hard work had paid off. Now I have an incredible wife and two beautiful children, and on top of that: I’m successful! I hang out with amazing people, almost every single day, and I help others.’ He looked the young man, who suddenly felt like a little boy, in the eyes. ‘So yeah, Luke, I’m _good_.’ The man smiled. ‘And you will be, too.’

‘Thanks, I really appreciate that,’ sighed the blond. He rubbed his eyes.

‘Are you gonna tell me what’s really bothering you?’

‘I’ve just been super nervous about bringing out the new music and announcing the tour, lately, and my anxiety has been skyrocketing because of it.’

‘I asked about what’s _really_ bothering you, Luke. I know you. There’s obviously more to the story.’ And he was right. There _was_ more to the story. But did he really want to talk about that? With John? And right now? His head was very clouded, with Ashton being away for the weekend and all, and he really just needed distraction. His mind needed to be taken away from the fact that Ashton wasn’t going to be back until Monday, and that he was going to be home alone for three nights. It wasn’t like Luke and Ashton slept in the same bed, or anything, but the idea of him not being there to come sleep with him if he had an anxiety attack, or if he just really needed him, terrified Luke. He wondered if Ashton thought about him at all, while he was in Cabo.  

‘Feldy...’ Luke sighed deeply. ‘I just need distraction. Can we talk about this later?’

‘Of course, Luke,’ smiled the man, taking a swig from his beer and rubbing Luke’s bicep calmingly. He just went with it, and the blond really appreciated that. ‘So, I’m going to a show of this new band The Fever tonight.’

‘The Fever?’ Luke asked. He had heard about it, in passing, but hadn’t paid much attention to it, at the time.

‘Yeah, the band goes by The Fever 333,’ John explained. ‘It’s kind of a movement band, really. They try to shine light on current events and political issues. Travis drums in one of their songs, so he naturally invited my wife and I. Jason Butler is the lead singer.’

‘From Letlive?’ John nodded. Luke didn’t know that band very well, either, but he was aware of their political message, and that they had covered taboo subjects in their songs. Butler was obviously continuing that with The Fever, Luke now learned. It sounded interesting.

‘Do you wanna come with? It’s gonna be really great. I’ve heard a snippet of what the night’s going to be like.’

‘I don’t know, Feldy, I don’t wanna ruin it for you and your wife.’ And that was truly one of the reasons. Another reason was that, although John was incredible, he was also 50. That wasn’t a bad thing – not even in the slightest, but if you’re at a concert with a middle aged couple, you would inevitably feel like you are there with your parents, at some point of the night.

‘Sierra’s going to be there, too. I think she’ll be thrilled if you’re there as well.’ He liked Sierra, she was chill. ‘See, I can see your interest peaking. Come with! It’s at The Regent, Downtown, so if you turn out not to like it – not going to happen, but _if_ – you can be home within an hour.’ Luke nodded.

‘What the hell,’ he said. ‘Sure, yeah, I’ll come with.’


	3. a series of intoxicated events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some Lashton interaction in this. I'm sorry for the slow-build. Ashton will appear in the next chapter (in the flesh).  
> I tried describing an anxiety attack from personal experience: it was hard. Hope you like it!

The concert was incredible. Honestly, it wasn’t as much a concert as it was a demonstration, which was also appropriately what they called it. There were people with black bags over their heads and the music was loud and amazing. Everything about it was vivid, and Luke had a very good time.

‘I am so happy you came, Luke,’ said John, a little sweaty and red from jumping in the crowd. They were backstage with the front man, Jason, and his girlfriend Gin. Luke really liked them. Travis Barker was there, too, and although Luke already knew him, it was still insane to him that he was hanging out with such a legend. Blink-182 was one of his favorite bands, growing up – it _still_ was. Talking to their drummer, face to face, having actual conversations and _just chilling_ , seemed surreal to Luke.

‘Me too,’ he smiled. ‘Thank you for bringing me.’ The concert had really taken his mind off the situation that had been bothering him so much. John wrapped an arm around him. ‘Really, I appreciate it a lot.’

‘I know, don’t worry about it,’ John said, a grin on his face. ‘I’m honestly just very happy to see you interact with people. I know life’s been hard on you, lately.’ It really had been.

‘Luke!’ he heard a female voice. Sierra jumped on him.

‘Hey,’ he laughed. ‘So good to see you, S. Did you enjoy the show?’ She nodded, securing the nautical cap on her head.

‘I loved all the influences in the music,’ she overanalyzed. ‘So interesting.’ Once again, Luke really liked Sierra, and he thought she was a very good singer song-writer. There was one thing he doubted about her, however, and it was that she often just didn’t seem to _feel_ music as much as he deemed appropriate for the job. Her Instagram feed was all sunshine, flowers and adventure, but Luke didn’t think that was an accurate representation of her. She was a little too smart to be as free of a spirit as she made the world believe she was. There was nothing wrong with that, but intelligence and over thinking went hand in hand, and he was sometimes worried Sierra would run into herself sometime soon. It had happened to him, too, and it wasn’t pretty.

‘Do you guys want another beer?’ Travis asked the two. The blond nodded, but Sierra lifted her half full beer to show that she was good. The man was off to grab two bottles. Luke excused himself and went after the 42-year-old. ‘Hey, Luke.’

‘Hey. I… I really liked the show, man.’

‘Thanks, mate. It’s quite the movement, isn’t it?’ Luke chuckled quietly, and nodded. Travis opened the beers on the side of the table and handed one of the bottles to Luke. ‘Cheers.’ They toasted. ‘What did you wanna talk to me about?’ The blond took a swig, a big one, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

‘Nothing, really, just wanted to ask you how you’ve been.’

‘I’m good, actually, thanks.’ He took a sip, frowning. ‘Things have been pretty great. I’m presenting this festival in April with Feldy, I don’t know if he told you.’ Luke nodded. He didn’t know they were working on it together, but he knew about the festival. ‘Really excited about that.’

‘Good to hear.’

‘Absolutely,’ chuckled Travis. ‘And you? How have you been? LA treating you well?’

‘Yeah, things are great,’ he lied convincingly. ‘Looking forward to releasing the new music and announcing the tour. ‘s Gonna be incredible.’ He was so nervous about it, it was killing him.

‘I’m sure the fans are gonna love it, Luke, don’t you worry about it.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I have some great skunk in my bag. Wanna smoke?’ He nodded. They took some pictures with everybody they came with, said goodbye and quickly left The Regent afterwards. They took an Uber to Travis’ place and smoked the weed, which was admittedly very good and strong, in the living room. They listened to music and talked a little about Travis’ son and daughter, who lived with their mother. It was good. Luke felt at peace. He felt sleepy, but he felt at peace. The blond had almost forgotten that his car was still at the Feldmann residence, where he had parked it before going to the concert, but John texted him to say he put it in the garage, and that he could pick it up tomorrow if he wanted to.

‘I’m so sleepy,’ chuckled Luke, stoned as can be. He was on the couch, completely baked, leaning against the backrest and barely able to hold his eyes open.

‘You should go to bed, bud,’ Travis grinned. He sipped his water, instructing Luke to do the same thing. ‘I have a spare bedroom – hell, I have like five spare bedrooms. I’m sure one of the beds are made, I’m just not 100 percent sure which one.’

‘I should probably go home.’ The idea of going home made him shiver. Arriving in a cold, dark house with nobody in it seemed like a nightmare right now. But he didn’t want to be rude, and he thought that it would maybe be a little weird in the morning.

‘I think it’ll be better for you to stay,’ the man responded. He was laughing a little, which made Luke feel slightly insecure, but he was too tired and stoned to properly process it. ‘Finish your water and go.’ The blond did as instructed. The bed of the third room he opened the door of was made, and it took everything he had to take off his shoes and jeans before getting into it. He was practically sleeping before his head had hit the pillow.

-

Luke loved drugs. He had fallen asleep without worrying, and had slept through the night. It had been a while since he’d last had a night’s rest like this.

‘Good morning, sunshine,’ Travis greeted him when he came walking in. The kitchen smelled of fresh coffee. Luke liked that smell. ‘Sleep well?’

‘Yeah, thanks for letting me stay here,’ smiled the blond timidly.

‘No problemo, you’re always welcome.’ He poured himself another cup. ‘Coffee?’ Luke nodded, and sat down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. The man handed him a cup and filled it with coffee, spilling a little. A couple of drops fell on Luke’s jeans. ‘Oops, sorry about that.’ The blond waved it off. ‘You’re living with Ashton now, right?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Why? If you don’t mind me asking.’ He sipped his coffee, looking up with piercing eyes. Luke’s breath stuck in his throat. ‘I mean; I know it’s not a budget thing, let’s be honest. So why are you guys voluntarily sharing a house?’

‘I… I don’t know.’ He didn’t know what to say. He really wasn’t about to spill his guts, here. Travis was somebody he really looked up to, having been in the business for so long, and Luke wanted him to like him so badly. ‘It just works out, I guess. We can work more, and the dynamics between us have changed for the better.’ It wasn’t a lie. ‘It just works out like this.’ Travis nodded.

‘Okay, I get that.’ He scratched the back of his head. Luke admired his tattooed hand. It looked so rugged and manly. ‘Do you have, like, rules? About bringing girls home and shit?’

‘Eh… Not really, no.’ They just didn’t. They _didn’t_ bring girls home. It had been months since Luke had had sex for the last time. He wasn’t meeting anybody, and the girls he got with sometimes didn’t seem that attractive anymore. Ashton never took anybody home, either, but he and Luke never really talked about their sex lives, so the blond wasn’t sure if he was getting any.

‘Interesting.’

‘I guess.’

Luke left after drinking another cup of coffee. He didn’t bother showering, or eating. After picking up his car and driving home, he arrived in an empty house. It was kind of cold – it was cold in all of LA that week, for some reason – and very quiet.    
            Sometimes Luke craved something. Just _something_. He didn’t know what it was: he didn’t want food or drinks, he didn’t want to watch Netflix, listen to music or hang out with people. But he wanted _something_. It caused heartache, and a lump in his throat. He had one of those moments right now. He just sat down on the couch and stared at the wall for a couple of minutes. Anxiety was rising in his chest. He needed to do something, because the situation made him feel like he couldn’t breathe. It felt like the couch was sucking him in, like he was going to sink right into it and get stuck, and it made him nauseous. He sat down on the ground, in the corner, trying his best to calm his breathing. Where was Ashton? _Dammit_. The fact that he felt so desperate without Ashton made Luke panic. How were things ever going to go back to normal if he was so dependent? Maybe he just needed to hear from him, for a second. It might help, he thought, or make it worse – _or make it better_.  
            Luke pulled his hair, letting out a screech. What was _happening_ to him? He stood up, steadied himself and walked to the bathroom. Xanax? _Xanax_. He popped about half a milligram and lied down in bed, hoping it would calm him down soon. He usually didn’t take any in bright daylight, but this was essentially an emergency. After a bit of time passed, he started to relax a little. He felt his phone buzz next to his head; a text from Calum. He asked if Luke wanted to come to a party tonight, in Santa Monica. It was a house party of a friend of his, Alex, and Luke had no idea who that was. _Oh_ , well. Luke didn’t respond to Calum’s text yet, just not really knowing whether or not he wanted to go a party. He would probably know in a few minutes, he thought, he’d just respond then. He did really want to shoot Ashton a check-up text, now, so he did. Xanax made Luke approximately 90 percent more likely to act on his impulses, considering it really helped to simply not care about anything. He wondered if he sometimes became a jerk, when he was on the drug. He honestly didn’t know: xans were such amnesiacs.  
            He texted a quick _how is Cabo?_ to Ashton and hoped the man would respond soon. He really felt like talking to him for a bit. It took about five minutes for Luke to start thinking he would never reply, so he just gave it up and texted Calum back.

_Sure, sounds good. What time?_

He never got a text back from Ashton, which sucked, but he did deliberate with Calum about how they were going to do this. Luke would be sleeping over at his place, because Calum had an apartment close to Santa Monica. He was happy he wouldn’t have to sleep alone in his empty house, tonight. Just one night after this one and then Ashton would be back. It was maybe an hour later, and Luke started to doze off. He wasn’t mad at it, though: if he could sleep for a bit now, he’d feel more energetic tonight. He was practically already asleep, so the sudden sound of his ringtone shook him up. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes: it was Ashton. Oh god, he didn’t know how he was going to sound. Would he notice that he’d popped a pill? He probably wouldn’t, right? He picked up the phone.

 _‘Hey Lukey boy!’_ He sounded happy, and it made Luke’s heart ache. He just wanted to be with him. Ashton wasn’t much of a cuddler, but his presence was all the blond needed, sometimes. All it took for Luke to feel better was usually a rub on the back, often not even that: he would be content with Ashton literally just being in the same room as him. Sure, sometimes he needed to be held, and the older one was fine with providing him those embraces, just not too often.

‘Hey Ash,’ he smiled weakly. ‘You got my text?’

 _‘Goddammit you sound high,’_ said Ashton, and Luke’s heart stopped. It took him six words to figure out that Luke was high? That was crazy. He fake laughed.

‘’m Not high, just sleepy,’ he lied. ‘I was sleeping when you called.’

 _‘Oh, I’m sorry about that_.’ It didn’t sound particularly truthful.

‘So, how _is_ Cabo?’ Ashton told Luke about his adventures, and how nice and warm it was there. They’d gone whale watching today, and were going for drinks at a supposedly really cool bar tonight. Luke was happy that he was having such a good time, but he couldn’t wait for him to come back home.

 _‘How are you doing, Luke?’_ asked the older man when he was done talking about his trip. _‘Miss me already?’_ Yes.

‘Of course not,’ scoffed the blond. His voice sounded raspy and tired. ‘I’m okay.’

 _‘Sleeping well?’_ Luke debated not telling him that he wasn’t sleeping alone much this weekend, but decided that it wouldn’t come across as pathetic. It was because of parties and concerts, after all. It would even show Ashton that he was capable of having fun and living life without him. That wasn’t even a blatant lie: he was actually doing it.

‘Went to a concert with Feldy last night, and I slept really well after that at Travis’ place.’

 _‘You slept well at Travis’?’_ He sounded a little jealous, which made Luke’s stomach churn. _‘That’s nice. Smoked a lot of pot, then?’_

‘Yeah, really good shit.’ Ashton wasn’t a huge weed guy. He would sometimes join in when the boys were blazing, but he preferred a good drink.

 _‘But overall you’re feeling okay?’_ he asked, clicking his tongue. _‘I’m having fun here, but I do worry about you a lot.’_

‘You don’t have to worry about me,’ snapped Luke. He wanted him to think about him, yes, but he didn’t need him to _worry_. He was so scared of coming across as an overly-dependent baby that he failed to realize that Ashton was just looking out for him. He had dragged him into this, after all. Luke himself was the one who had clung to Ashton, when things got rough. He had every right to feel a certain way about this. The blond just found it hard. He really, _really_ couldn’t stand the idea of Ashton seeing him as a crybaby.

 _‘I know I don’t have to, Luke, but I do.’_ He sounded stern.  _‘Do you have plans for tonight?’_ Luke didn’t respond to that, because he was thinking – or at least _trying_ to think. Xanax made thinking harder, which was really part of its purpose, but it sucked when you actually needed to think, or have a conversation. The mind processes things much and much slower on alprazolam. _‘Luke? Are you there?’_ He snapped out of it.

‘Yeah, sorry, I’m here.’

 _‘I asked if you had plans for tonight.’_ He had heard that. _‘Are you sure you’re just sleepy, Luke? I won’t judge you if you’re honest with me, okay? I promise.’_

‘Yeah, no, I really just woke up from a nap. I’m going to a party with Calum, tonight.’

_‘Fun.’_

‘I guess.’

_‘Are you gonna be okay?’_

‘Of course.’

_‘Okay, I have to go now. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything.’_

‘Okay.’

_‘Have fun tonight, bud, say hi to Cal from me.’_

‘Thanks.’ He wanted to go back to sleep, and really sleep for a few hours now. ‘You have fun, too.’

_‘Will do. Bye Lukey.’_

‘Bye Ash.’ He hung up, set an alarm clock two hours later, before immediately dozing off. He hadn’t even thought about the conversation for another second. The wonders of drugs.

-

The party was good. Alex turned out to be some kind of artsy hipster with a shit ton of family money. He lived in a huge beach house with an incredible view on the sea. The party was mainly set in the backyard, and although it was a little cold (what’s up with you, LA?), the dancing and alcohol kept the guests warm enough. There was a great DJ, and Luke met a few of the people Calum had been hanging out with lately.

‘Hey,’ Luke said when he sat down on the steps next to Calum. He was sitting alone, with his phone in his right hand and a lit cigarette in his left. An empty solo cup sat on the stonework next to him.

‘Hey.’ He grabbed a carton of Marlboros from the pocket of his leather jacket and held it out for Luke to take. ‘Want one?’ The blond nodded and took a cigarette from the box. Calum lit it for him.

‘Who are you texting?’ asked Luke, looking at how sucked up in his phone the bass player was. He didn’t look up from his phone.

‘Michael,’ he answered, letting out a deep sigh.

‘How are things between you two?’ Michael had been spending lots of time with his girlfriend, and that was great for him. He was really happy with her. The thing however was, that often when people get into relationships, they forget all about their friends. Unfortunately, this had been the case with Michael as well. Because Ashton and Luke were living together and therefore spending most of their time together, Calum was sort of left out of the equation. He’d made new friends, but he still seemed to have hard time dealing with the Michael situation.

‘It’s… Well, it is what it is,’ he whispered before scraping his throat aggressively. He took a drag from his cigarette. ‘We’re okay.’

‘Do you miss him?’

‘I mean, it’s not like we _never_ see each other anymore.’ He scratched the back of his head. ‘I guess I kinda miss him, though, yeah. We used to be so close, y’know? And now I feel like all he does is hang out with Crystal.’

‘Yeah, that is hard.’

‘It is.’

‘Yeah.’ The two sat in silence for a few minutes, smoking their cigarettes. Luke didn’t really know what to say. Calum had been looking a little off, lately, and he had definitely noticed, but he wasn’t sure if it was something he was supposed to talk to the man about.

‘How are things between you and Ashton?’ Calum broke the silence. Luke looked at his feet, chewing on his lower lip.

‘Good, I guess.’

‘Yeah?’

‘He told me he’s worried about me, today,’ said the lead singer. ‘It really… I don’t know, it sucks. I don’t want him to see me as a charity case, y’know? I want him to see me as…’ What _did_ he want him to see him as? He sighed. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Do you wanna go home early?’

‘Do you?’

‘I don’t know.’ Calum rubbed his eyes. ‘Maybe we should just get out there and party. Like, dance and all. We’re good at that.’ Luke laughed weakly.

‘Yeah, sure, we’re _great_ dancers.’ Calum let out a laugh too, now. ‘You’re right, Cal, we need to move. Let’s go.’ And so they did. They filled their cups to the brim, but with gin tonics this time. They collectively and silently decided that they just needed to get really drunk, and that that would make all the shit go away. Very stupid, of course, but it definitely worked for a few hours. They danced and danced and drank gin tonic after gin tonic, until they were yelling along to the songs in the crowd of relatively low-profile influencers and LA people. They forgot all about their struggles for a little bit. It was fun. It was really fun. 

-

Waking up the next morning (afternoon, 2 pm) was not as fun.

‘Goddammit,’ groaned Luke, a bursting headache not taking him by surprise. He stretched his limbs, immediately kicking his feet against something sharp. A table. Where the fuck was he? He sat up straight, finding himself on the couch in Calum’s living room. The apartment was small, but it was the place Calum had been staying most, recently. He also had a house down the road of Ashton (and Luke, nowadays), but he always said that he felt it was too big for just him. Thing was, this apartment only had one bedroom and therefore one bed. Luke could vaguely remember Calum offering for him to sleep in bed with him, but he had declined, something that he thoroughly regretted now. His neck ached like crazy.

‘Morning,’ a small-eyed Calum whispered hoarsely as he walked into the living room. He was wearing gym shorts and a white T-shirt with holes in it.

‘Morning.’ Luke rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He chuckled lowly when he took in the bass player’s hungover physique. ‘Haven’t had that much to drink in a while.’

‘I’m so hungover,’ Calum complained, lifting a box of Arizona iced tea up to take a sip. ‘Had a really good time, though, last night.’ Luke nodded as he stood up.

‘We should hang out more often,’ he said. ‘Just the two of us.’ He took the carton from the black-haired man and took a big sip, a good quench for his intensely dry mouth. He’d smoked way too much, too, last night. He sounded like shit.

‘Definitely.’ Calum looked at his phone. ‘I’m gonna hang out with Michael, tonight.’

‘Really? That’s great.’ Luke couldn’t help but smile brightly at that. He hoped Calum and Michael would grow closer again, especially now that Calum had confirmed that he missed the other man. ‘I’m gonna take a shower real quick and then I’ll get going.’

‘Take your time,’ said Calum, before plopping down on the couch. ‘I’m not meeting Mike ‘til 6.’ Luke nodded and went to the bathroom. It was a surprisingly neat bathroom for such a small place. He took off the joggers he’d lent from his bandmate and stepped under the hot shower. He noticed a pretty outstanding bruise on his left knee. Had he fallen last night? He genuinely didn’t remember the whole night, and it had been a while since alcohol had last be the cause of that. He pressed on the bruise. Dammit, that shit hurt. He washed his hair and body and changed into some of Calum’s clothes. He had this nice red crewneck sweater that was so comfortable that Luke had wanted to steal it from him the moment he bought it. This was the perfect timing to finally get his hands on it.

‘Have fun with Mike tonight,’ said Luke as he gave his bandmate a quick hug. ‘Take some time for the two of you, you need it.’ Calum nodded.

‘Will do. Good luck with life.’ The blond smiled. ‘What time is Ash coming back tomorrow?’

‘Around 2 I think.’

‘Good luck, I’ll talk to you soon, okay?’ Luke nodded and received one more pat on the back before he got out of the house. ‘You’ll be fine tonight, Luke!’ he heard Calum yell after him.

‘Of course I’ll be fine!’ he yelled back, momentarily forgetting about his headache. He clenched his eyes shut. ‘Everything will be fine,’ he mumbled to himself, unconvincingly.


	4. alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, this is very long and it might be disturbing? I don't know. I told you there was a slow build. Hope you enjoy it.

Sunday night was quite the night. Luke had taken a hangover-nap around 6 pm, which was stupid. It made it so much harder to sleep at night. He played the guitar for a bit and watched some Netflix series before finally falling asleep at 4 am.  
            When he woke up the next morning, it was a little past 11 am. He started his day like every other: coffee, music, contemplating life – the whole shebang. He was both excited and nervous about Ashton coming home. It was nice that he wouldn’t be alone anymore, but the unsolved and mysterious feelings Luke had for him were much and much more prominently present whenever the drummer was actually around.

‘Luke, I’m home!’ the blond heard a yell coming from the backdoor, followed by the sound of said door slamming shut. He was on the couch, watching a series, but quickly jumped up when he heard it. He walked towards the hall, where Ashton was standing, suitcase next to him. He opened his arms and the younger man quickly wrapped himself around him. ‘Ah, baby, I really missed you.’ Luke buried his nose in the crook of Ashton’s neck.

‘I missed you too,’ he whispered, slowly detaching himself from the man. He didn’t want to, but he needed to act normal. ‘How was it?’ Luke looked him up and down, taking in his appearance. He wore black jeans and a white long sleeve. He looked muscular and he smelled of strong cologne.

‘It was good.’ He pushed his suitcase to the side. ‘Come, I need a drink.’ He took Luke by the arm and walked him to the kitchen before letting go. ‘I love Mexico, man, it was so nice.’ He took a tin of beer from the fridge and cracked it open. He immediately took a sip. ‘Why is it so cold here? It’s not the best weather to come back to, to be honest.’ Luke nodded knowingly. There was a strange wave of cold air hanging over Los Angeles, but it was supposed to get warmer again tomorrow. ‘You okay?’ Luke nodded, again.

‘Sure, just happy you’re home.’ Ashton smiled and put his hand on the blond’s shoulder.

‘Did you have fun at that party with Calum?’ he asked. ‘You weren’t too high to go?’

‘The party was fun,’ he dodged the question. ‘Cal and Mikey had dinner together, last night.’ He hoped his mind would linger on that and move on from his drug habits.

‘Really? How did that go?’

‘I don’t know, haven’t talked to ‘em yet,’ answered the blond truthfully. ‘Hope it went well, though. It’s shitty to see Cal all sad and shit.’ Ashton nodded. Just looking at the man being all serious made Luke’s stomach tickle with butterflies.

They talked a lot for the upcoming hours, and Luke really enjoyed being around him again. After that, they both went their separate ways. Ashton was tired, because he hadn’t gotten much sleep in Cabo, and went to bed to read a book. Luke played the guitar to practice a new song.  
            The day flew by, and at night they watched a comedy together on the couch. Luke repeatedly caught himself staring at Ashton instead of paying attention to the movie. He was so happy that he was back.

‘Ash?’ he asked when the movie credits rolled onto the screen. The man looked up, and Luke’s stomach ached with feelings. ‘Why is everything so hard for me?’ Ashton turned on the couch. Luke felt him looking at him, but he couldn’t look him in the eye.

‘What do you mean?’ The lead singer looked at his hands in his lap.

‘Just… I don’t know what I mean.’ He sighed. ‘Things have just been so hard for me, lately. Life in general, I guess. And I just… I just don’t understand, Ash.’ He looked up, hazel eyes meeting baby blues for a split second before his gaze returned to his lap. ‘You seem to just dash through life, having fun, and I’m… I’m not.’

‘Luke…’ Ashton put two fingers underneath Luke’s chin and forced him to look him in the eyes. He looked serious, and a little stern. ‘Can you explain to me what’s wrong? Why things are so hard for you? Do you _know_?’ Luke swallowed the lump in his throat.

‘I… Maybe.’ He squinted his eyes. ‘I’m not sure.’

‘Do you wanna tell me?’

‘It’s nothing, really. It’s just-’

‘Don’t hit me with that bullshit.’ Ashton’s eyebrows were frowned severely.

‘Sure, no, it’s not _nothing_ , but it’s not something I can really put my finger on.’ It wasn’t all lies. ‘I’ve just been dealing with a lot of, like, stress. About the new album, and song release, and tour announcement. Getting back out there like that… It’s a big commitment, y’know?’ Ashton nodded, because of course he knew. He was going through the same thing. ‘I don’t know how to deal with it. And I just… My anxiety’s been getting really bad again, lately.’  Part of him trusted Ashton enough to tell him the whole story, to just spill about his intensely confusing feelings towards him and his sexuality conflict. Another part of him, however, really couldn’t. Ashton was the only person he could rely on, right now, and the idea of him freaking out and that being over frightened Luke to death. He thought there was a fat chance the man would kick him out.

‘Do you think it’s because of the upcoming shit? That your anxiety’s become bad again?’ Luke shrugged. He didn’t want to lie to the man, but he couldn’t tell him the full truth. Ashton looked at him, he could feel him studying his face with piercing eyes. ‘Is there something more, Luke? I want you to be honest with me. I can see that you’re not telling me everything.’

‘No, that’s… that’s it,’ he whispered. ‘I’m just nervous about the music, and the tour and shit.’

‘Did you meet somebody?’ He looked at Ashton, puzzled.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like, did you maybe meet someone you like, as… like, more than a friend?’ Luke bit his lower lip. ‘Is that it?’

‘Not exactly.’ Ashton was sort of on the right track, but he obviously still had no idea what was going on. It was a bit of an alleviation, but it also made it harder in a way. ‘I’ve just been a bit confused, lately.’

‘About what?’ God, stop digging, he thought, but he understood that he wanted to know. He had just admitted that it was something that was severely bothering him, after all. Ashton had the right to be curious about it. ‘I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but it might help. _I_ might be able to help you.’ Luke was anxiously chewing on his bottom lip now, drawing blood. It was hard to breathe. ‘Luke, it’s okay, you don’t have to.’ He nodded.

‘It’s nothing, really.’

‘Stop saying that.’

‘It’s true, though. It’s really nothing you should worry about. I’m just stressed and it’s leaving me confused about everything, basically. I’ll be fine, though.’

‘Are you sure?’ Luke nodded.

‘I’m sure.’ He stood up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. ‘Do you want another beer?’ Ashton nodded, and Luke knew he had left him even more worried than he’d been before, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth. It wasn’t fair to Ashton, either. If he told him how he felt, Ashton would have to deal with that, too. Luke preferred to suffer on his own.

-

Luke was happy that Ashton was back. The days went by quicker, and Luke could cope with his anxiety much easier now that he was around.  
            The feelings, however, had made a quick return. Ashton was the star in all of Luke’s wet dreams, lately, and he’d started to allow himself to jerk off to the thought of him. He used to limit himself, in that area, because he thought it would make it weird to be around him after he’d just imagined the man sucking his dick. That wasn’t an issue anymore, now: it was weird anyways, on Luke’s part, so he decided there was no harm in just enjoying himself.

‘Maybe we can all go out for drinks this Thursday,’ offered Michael. ‘It’s been a while since we’ve done anything not work-related with the four of us. I think it’ll be good for us to go, like, clubbing.’ It came out very Australian.

‘Sounds like a plan!’ Calum chimed in, happily. They were having lunch at Ashton and Luke’s place, to talk about how and when they were going to release their first single of the new album, Want You Back. Luke took a sip of a ridiculous green concoction that Ashton had blended up for the band. He was pretty sure there was broccoli in it. He pulled a face.

‘Great idea, Mike,’ said Ashton as he took a bite of his salad. He looked at Luke. ‘And you? Are you down?’

‘Eh… Yeah, sure,’ he answered, forcing a smile. It wasn’t like he didn’t like going out, it _really_ wasn’t that. He loved drinking and having fun with his band members. Thing was, though, that it had been a while since they’d actually gone clubbing with the four of them. There was usually somebody, if not all of them, who took a girl home. Luke thought that Ashton would maybe want to take somebody home, Thursday night, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that – he wasn’t sure _how to_ handle that, either. Would he have to spend the night somewhere else? Or would he have to listen to the cause of his mysterious underbelly feelings bang somebody two doors away from his bedroom?

‘Great, it’s settled, then! 5SOS is hitting the city!’

-

The week really flew by, and before anybody knew, it was Thursday night and 5 Seconds of Summer, in its entirety, was hitting Hollywood Blvd. to look for a good club. The weekday crowd in LA was much and much more interesting than the weekend crowd, so if they ever went out, it was most certainly not on the weekends. Most celebrities had a tendency to hit the clubs on Monday through Thursday, but Thursday was Luke’s favorite day. Thursday nights were always full of extremely diverse people.  
            They went into one of the clubs, and it was already packed. LA had a strange party scene. The clubs were usually open until 2 am, and then it was time for the after parties. They had left home relatively late, already a little drunk from pre-gaming, but for them it was easy to get into clubs. For the regular locals it was a big no-no to go out with just four guys. You would never get in. Fortunately, people knew them, and they were quite big influencers, so they could usually get in anywhere they wanted.

‘Fuck, it’s packed!’ yelled Luke into Calum’s ear. The blond already liked the DJ a lot, but the music was so loud that there was no way of communicating properly.

‘I know, right? It’s crazy!’ Luke could hardly make up the words, but he managed to read Calum’s lips a little. They ordered drinks and danced. Luke was sweating insanely in no time. The club smelled like smoke from the machines and sweet booze.

‘Luke!’ Ashton rushed towards him and wrapped an arm around his waist. ‘Come, we’re gonna get shots!’ He pulled the lead singer towards the bar, where twelve shots of what looked awfully much like vodka or tequila were spread out on the sticky black mat.

‘What is it?’ asked the man, but he didn’t get a response. He shrugged. It couldn’t be worse than vodka or tequila, which he assumed it was, so he just clinked with Ashton and threw back two shots. Oh damn, _oh damn_. It was vodka. The burn was still there, no matter how often he drank. Michael wooed and threw his hands in the air after finishing his third shot. Luke wanted to get drunker, very badly, so he drank the third, too. Okay, now he was buzzed. He danced with the guys and they talked (yelled back and forth) a little with some people. Some knew them and some _they_ knew. Out of the blue, Luke saw his friend Ricky, who used to hang out with Arzaylea a lot when they were still together. He dashed through the crowd and tapped him on the shoulder.

‘Good to see you!’ he yelled. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m good! Do you have coke on you?’

‘What?’ He motioned for Luke to come closer, which he did.

‘Do you have coke?’ he yelled into his ear. Ricky’s eyes lit up, then, and he nodded heavily. He signed for the blond to follow him, and walked to the restrooms. It was a little quieter, there.

‘Of course I have cocaine, Luke, the question is _why don’t you_?’ He fished a little bag of white dust out of his jean pocket and handed it to the singer.

‘I don’t know, I just don’t.’ He took the bag and looked at it. Ricky always had very pure shit. ‘How much?’ Ricky laughed.

‘Nothing, consider it an early birthday present.’

‘My birthday’s in July, Ricky.’

‘Happy 21 and a half, then. At it, boy!’ Luke thanked him heartily. Ricky was always such a nice guy, and he conveniently always had drugs with him. He was Arzaylea’s dealer, which he reckoned was how they had met. Luke did a few lines in one of the cubicles and walked out of the restroom stoked and sobered up. He danced a little, looking for his friends, but couldn’t find them, so he ordered a gin tonic instead and gulped it back in a matter of minutes. Cocaine made drinking so much easier. He bought another glass, and returned to his search for the rest of 5SOS. He found Michael and Calum dancing in the crowd, with Calum talking to a girl.

‘Have you guys seen Ash?’

‘I think he went to the bar.’ Luke nodded and was quickly off to the bar, looking for what now felt like his lifeline. He wanted to dance with Ashton, and do more shots with him. It wasn’t long before he found him, but he instantly wished he hadn’t. There he was, standing by the bar, glass in hand and locking lips with a girl. The blond let out a squeak, completely in shock. It had been ages since he had last seen Ashton with a girl. He’d kind of stopped going on the dates that he used to go on a lot, and Luke had been happy about it. Not because he didn’t think Ashton deserved happiness, but because he no longer had to feel the fire of jealousy burning in the pit of his stomach every other week when the drummer would meet a girl for lunch or dinner. It was mortifying to now see him fully attached to somebody like this. Ashton looked up, after a while, and noticed Luke’s terrorized gaze on him. He laughed and waved. Of course he would. He had no idea what the younger band member felt for him. He didn’t know that this sight made him feel like the world around him was crumbling down. It felt like Luke’s shoes were glued to the floor for a good minute, and Ashton frowned concernedly at the blond’s posture and gaping mouth. He gathered himself and walked off, right to the exit of the club, and left. Anger was quickly building up inside of him as he walked down Hollywood Blvd.           
            He was angry at the world, at Ashton and at the girl he had been making out with. He was furious, the slightly excessive amount of cocaine he’d done just minutes ago clouding his judgment. It took him mere seconds before he was practically dragged into a third story club by a man. He knew him. His name was Samuel, and Luke had had drinks with him before. He was a friend of a friend, to say, and the blond had always been particularly intrigued by him, mainly because he was gay and Luke was questioning his sexuality; those obviously went hand in hand. Samuel was generous, in the club, and bought the two of them a round of shots.

‘What brings you here, all alone?’ winked the man. He had dark brown hair and eyes green like emeralds. He was tall and muscular, and where Luke normally felt like a giant, he now felt like a little boy. Samuel sipped from the beer he had bought himself. ‘You’re very out of it, aren’t you?’

‘No,’ answered Luke, but his smile was slanted. ‘I mean, I guess. A little bit.’ He threw back the rest of his vodka sprite, lightly coughing afterwards. ‘I’m just angry.’

‘Angry? What are you angry about, Luke?’ The way he said his name, with such a clear American accent, made the blond shiver. ‘I mean, you have very obviously had your fair share of coke tonight, but there still has to be a cause.’ He’d already guessed that his pupils had blown up to the size of saucers, so it didn’t shock him that Samuel had noticed.

‘Ashton was making out with a girl,’ he said, gritting his teeth. His blood began to boil again after speaking the words. ‘I was just looking for him, just kinda wanted to, y’know, dance and do shots with him. And goddammit there he was, locking lips with that bitch.’ He spat out the words spitefully, making Samuel frown in confusion.

‘Is that a bad thing?’ he asked, genuinely surprised. ‘Isn’t it nice that he’s getting out there, meeting some new-’

‘No, Sam, it’s not nice,’ hissed the blond. ‘It’s been fucking months since I’ve seen him kiss somebody and I was happy about it. Oh damn was I happy about it.’ He shook his head, nostrils flaring at the thought of what he had just witnessed. ‘And for some stupid reason I thought that tonight it was just going to be us.’ A venomous laugh escaped from his mouth. ‘But of course not. _Of course_ it wasn’t just going to be us. _Of course_ there had to be some fucking whore who Ashton decided was better than me.’

‘Wait, what?’ Samuel looked perplexed.

‘Yes, Sam, I like Ashton. I fucking love him and I fucking hate it.’ He looked bewildered and he knew it. God, was he mad. The brunet’s hand found its way onto Luke’s knee.

‘I didn’t know that.’

‘Of course you didn’t fucking know that, we’ve seen each other like three or four times.’ He swatted his hand away. ‘Nobody knows this.’ He didn’t mean to be rude, but he couldn’t help himself. His head felt like it was full of cotton balls, and so did his mouth. He couldn’t think straight, so infuriated with the situation.

‘You look like you need another drink.’ Samuel smirked. ‘Or, like, maybe five or so.’ He was completely unfazed by Luke being an asshole to him, and it made the blond smirk as well. Finally somebody who could take it, he thought. The brunet was off to fetch some drinks and came back with two glasses of brown, fizzy liquid. ‘’s Vodka coke.’ He nodded and took a sip. It was definitely a double. ‘We’re gonna dance.’ It was obviously not a question, but an order, and the blond made no effort to disobey. They were on the crowded dancefloor within seconds.             
            Samuel was good to him. He danced with him like there was no tomorrow and bought him all the drinks he asked for. The man was funny and kind, but also a little intimidating. He was the CEO and co-founder of a large marketing agency in Los Angeles. Luke was successful, too, he knew that, but where the blond sometimes felt like he was wealthy and famous for singing some songs and strumming on the guitar a bit, Samuel made six figures at age twenty-nine doing something brainy that he’d gone to university for. It was astonishing, really, but also very intimidating.  
            Luke did another line of coke in the restroom when it had worn off and he didn’t feel good enough to get through the night without. When he walked back onto the dance floor, he saw Samuel immediately. A boy was touching his chest and Luke could almost hear him annoyingly giggle over the loud music. A fire sparked in the singer’s eyes and he got a massive adrenaline kick. He made his way through the dancing crowd, pushed the boy aside and kissed Samuel on the mouth. The brunet was a bit taken aback for a second, but quickly recovered and kissed back. Luke could feel him smirking as he forcefully pushed his tongue through the blond’s lips and into his mouth. They danced, bodies pressed against each other, as their tongues fought for dominance. A few minutes passed before Luke detached himself from the man, biting his lip and smiling seductively.

‘So, what was that?’ asked Samuel, heartily laughing into the younger man’s ear.

‘I wasn’t about to let myself get disappointed twice,’ grinned Luke, grazing the man’s ear with his lips. He took the drink from Samuel’s hand and gulped it down, which made the brunet chuckle.

‘You wanna get out of here?’ he yelled over the music. Luke nodded, and they made their way out of the club. ‘Where do you live?’ He looked so good, thought the blond, all masculinity and white teeth. He chewed on his lip for a second, thinking.

‘Can we go to your place?’ he asked. ‘I don’t really feel like going home.’ Truth was, he was afraid Ashton had brought the girl from earlier back home. He just didn’t want to find out. Thinking about it made the anger bubble up again. He gritted his teeth.

‘Sure,’ shrugged Samuel. He ordered an Uber and they lit two cigarettes, leaning against the wall of the building as they waited for their ride. It took less than ten minutes, and Samuel had his hand in the back pocket of Luke’s skinny jeans the whole wait, talking to him in a raspy voice. The blonde was sporting a semi once they got into the Audi they had ordered. They lustfully made out, and Luke’s heart was all in it. He wanted to get Ashton out of his head so badly, and it felt like his body was encased in flames of fury. They practically ran into the house once they arrived. Samuel clumsily opened the door, never once breaking the lip lock they’d started halfway down the driveway. He slammed the door closed behind them, and led Luke to the bedroom upstairs. Samuel pushed the blond onto the bed and crawled on top of him, palming Luke through his jeans as they continued their heated make out session. Their clothes flew off in a matter of seconds, and Luke was very hard. He had never had sex with a man before, and the nerves made him sweat. The cocaine was the only thing keeping him upright.

‘Sam?’ Luke trembled, which made the man detach his lips from his neck.

‘Oh, sorry, you haven’t been with a man before, right?’ He shook his head, losing a little bit of the confidence that the coke had provided him with. ‘’s Nothing to worry about.’ Luke nodded, sucking it up. Samuel didn’t say anything else, just spread Luke’s thighs and dove between them, licking and sucking his pale skin. He lubed up his fingers. ‘Gonna just open you up a little, okay?’ The singer nodded, curiously resting on his elbows as he watched Samuel’s every move. It was cold and uncomfortable at first, but his fingers were long and he didn’t have trouble finding his prostate. Luke arched his back, trying to get closer to the feeling, but Samuel pulled out. ‘Ready?’

‘I… Yeah, I guess so.’ Ashton popped into his head rather suddenly when the man went to retrieve a condom from his nightstand. Luke’s heart fluttered at even the mere thought of him. What was he doing right now? He wished he could be with him, right now, wished that he could have sex with _him_. Samuel wasn’t Ashton, and- ‘Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.’ It hurt when Samuel pushed into him, and he groaned in pain. ‘Oh fuck that hurts, fuck, fuck, fuck.’ His breathing was uneven, but Samuel distracted him by kissing him.

‘Okay to move?’ Luke nodded reluctantly after a few seconds, and the man started thrusting. It took a while for the stretch to stop burning so badly. The pain never fully subsided, but once Samuel aimed his thrust upwards, he never stopped hitting the younger man’s prostate with full force, and it quite literally made him scream. He held onto Samuel’s shoulders tightly, crossing his ankles behind the man’s back, and moaned freely. ‘You’re so fucking hot,’ groaned Samuel as his climax neared. It made Luke feel confident. He reached down to jerk himself off with aggressive movements. His mind was clouded with both Samuel and Ashton, and his stomach made flips of anger and hurt. ‘Wanted to fuck you from the moment I first saw you, you know that?’ He couldn’t answer, trying to concentrate on the physical feelings instead of the emotional ones. It was hard. There was so much going on in his head.

‘Fuck!’ yelled Luke out when the man closed his fingers tightly around his bicep, almost certainly leaving bruises there. ‘Oh my God it’s so good.’ The pain in his arm kept him in the moment. It kept him in his body and out of his mind. ‘More.’

‘More what?’ lisped the man through his teeth, noticeably coming closer to his high.

‘I don’t know,’ groaned Luke desperately. Samuel released the blond’s arm, but instead went for his neck. He closed his hand around it, making Luke gasp for air. It was painful, he could feel his fingertips pushing deeply into his muscles and the space between his thumb and index finger block his wind pipe. All he could think of was breathing, and it was amazing. He came first, shooting his hot seed onto his stomach with large eyes and the squeaking sound he was capable of making in this position. Samuel followed suit, filling up the condom. He let go of Luke’s neck and pulled out before taking off the rubber and throwing it on the hardwood floor.

‘That was really good,’ said the man, hoarsely. He tugged the sheets down and went to lie under them. Luke did, too.

‘Yeah, it was… it was really, really good.’ He was shuddering and catching his breath from the earlier asphyxiation. Samuel turned off the lights. For the first time in a very long while, Luke could feel his entire body. All of his bones, his muscles, everything. He felt the blood rush through him as he stared into the darkness. This was what being alive felt like. He remembered it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	5. let it go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some concerned Ashton for your nerves

The singer had stayed awake for about an hour after the sex, savoring the feeling of being conscious and alive, before he drifted into dreamland.  
            Waking up the next morning was strange. Samuel was holding him close to his chest and he smelled manly, a little bit like sweat and last night’s eau de cologne. Luke wasn’t used to waking up next to somebody, anymore, let alone somebody holding him. He needed to pee quite badly, so he slipped out of the older man’s warm arms to search for a bathroom. He found it quickly and relieved himself, before going back to bedroom. He had a bit of a limp, but it was nothing too bad. It was a little past 11 am, he saw on the alarm clock that was stood on the nightstand. He grabbed his phone and looked at the screen. He had multiple missed calls from his fellow band members, and the group text was also loaded with messages along the lines of “where the fuck did Luke go”. He sent a text to them, stating that he couldn’t find them and that he had gone home early. It was a lie, but he thought he could get away with it. He put his phone back down. Samuel woke up when the blond crawled back into bed.

‘Morning,’ the blond grumbled. Samuel looked up, and Luke’s eyes met his greens.

‘Good morning,’ he huskily said back. The man sat up, rubbed his eyes and licked his lips. ‘God, it’s been a while since I’ve last had that much to drink.’ He chuckled. It sounded hoarse. He put a hand on his forehead. ‘I’m too old for this shit.’ Luke felt bad, too, but it was mainly last night’s cocaine that was weighing him down. Alcohol he could handle.

‘Thanks for letting me spend the night.’ Luke bit his lower lip as the man laughed.

‘I wasn’t going to let you go home by yourself at 4 in the morning after sharing such a special experience,’ he winked.

‘Was I any good?’ he asked with a chuckle.

‘You were _really_ good.’ Samuel swung his legs over the side of the bed, putting his feet down on the ground. ‘I wasn’t expecting much, to be honest, it being your first time with a guy and all. But you were fucking wild.’ Luke felt his cheeks heating up. ‘So wild and tight, man, it was real good.’

‘Thank you.’ Was that an appropriate thing to say? ‘I mean, you were really good too. I really liked it.’ It made Samuel laugh a little.

‘Good.’

Luke went to take a shower, then, and the other man went out to get Starbucks, which the blond appreciated. When he wanted to get dressed, he realized that all he had were his filthy clothes of last night. They smelled of smoke and alcohol, and sniffing them for even just a second nearly made him hurl. He put on a white bathrobe, instead, and waited awkwardly on a kitchen chair for Samuel to come back from his trip to the coffee shop. It didn’t take him long.

‘One macchiato for sir Lucas,’ the man said as he put a medium cup down on the coffee table. ‘And a hazelnut blend for me.’ He placed another cup next to it. ‘Nice robe.’ He winked.

‘Right, sorry,’ muttered the blond. ‘I just really couldn’t stand putting last night’s clothes back on, yet.’ He pulled a face. ‘They smell so fucking bad.’

‘I have clean clothes for you, if you want.’

‘I’d appreciate that a lot, actually,’ Luke sighed before taking a sip of his coffee and royally burning his tongue. He ignored the sting. They took their coffee with small talk and chuckles, and when they were finished, Samuel threw the blond jeans and a sweater. They were big on him, but not enormous. ‘I’ll…’ He doubted for a second, but nodded. ‘I’ll return them to you.’ It was a bit of a commitment, because it would mean that they’d see each other again, but the blond was okay with that. They exchanged phone numbers, and after Samuel promised he wouldn’t tell anyone about what had happened between them, Luke went home.

-

‘Luke?’ Ashton asked when they were sitting at the dinner table that night. The blond played with the stir fry the drummer had whisked up. Ashton hadn’t been home when Luke had returned in the afternoon, and he had panicked. He thought that that sure meant that he had spent the night with a girl. It wasn’t fair, hell, it was _hypocritical_ of Luke to be pissed about it, but he couldn’t help himself. He was confused and a little mad at himself for sleeping with Samuel. It almost felt like he had cheated, but not quite. Thing was, it had made him feel so good, and although there was an uncomfortable knot of what he thought might be guilt in his stomach, the live feeling the sex had left him with was still reverberating in his body.

‘Ashton.’

‘Where were you last night?’ Luke and Ashton had said their hellos to each other when the older band member had come home around 3, but they had completely ignored each other for the next four hours. Now they were here, and Luke almost spat out his food when the question hit him.

‘Excuse me?’ he asked. How did the man even know he hadn’t spent the night at home?

‘You never came home last night,’ Ashton clarified. There was a frown on his face, but he was looking at his plate instead of at the blond. ‘I was kinda worried ‘bout you, y’know?’ He put down his knife and fork and looked up at Luke. ‘And this morning you sent a message in the group text saying that you had gone home early.’ The blond could feel his eyes burning on him, but he didn’t look up. He couldn’t.

‘I went to my apartment in Hollywood,’ he lied. ‘It was just closer, and I thought you maybe wanted to take somebody home.’ At least that last part was true. ‘I just thought I’d, y’know, give you some privacy. And I pay for that apartment, so I might as well stop by sometimes, right?’

‘Why did you run off, back at the club?’  He looked disappointed.

‘I…’ How was he going to talk himself out of this one? ‘I don’t know. I ran into Ricky and I got some coke from him, and like… I don’t know.’ Ashton sighed. He didn’t like it when his friends did drugs, but he himself did it too, sometimes, so he had no right to speak up about it.

‘Yeah, I get that,’ he mumbled. ‘Shit just happens when you’re out of it.’ Luke nodded. They were quiet throughout the rest of the dinner and went off to their own bedrooms after washing up. Luke felt like shit.  He looked in the mirror before he went to bed. Dark purple bruises in the shape of fingerprints adorned both sides of his neck, reminding him of last night. He pushed on the bruised skin, hissing as he looking himself in the eyes. A soft moan escaped from his mouth. He popped a Xanax and went to bed. He hated himself for letting Ashton down like this.

-

Luke tried his best to get himself together, the next day. It was Saturday, and they had a meeting with their management in the afternoon, to further discuss how they were going to break the news about their tour and first single. He needed to get his head in the game, but it was hard. Ashton was shooting him looks during the ride there, he felt it, but he stubbornly kept his eyes on his phone, ear pods in and pretending to be zoned out. Cold sweat formed in his armpits, and he was relieved to get out of the car when they had arrived at Santa Monica Blvd.

‘Slow down,’ said the drummer when he nearly sprinted off. He walked slower, subconsciously following his orders. ‘Are you nervous? What’s going on with you?’

‘No, ‘m not nervous.’ He didn’t elaborate, just walked into the building. Ashton hurried after him, but he didn’t slow down this time. Michael and Calum were already in the office, greeting them when they came in.

‘’s Good to see that you’re alive,’ smirked Michael at the blond. Luke shrugged and shook the board’s hands before sitting down on the chair furthest away from Ashton.  
            The meeting went by smoothly. They mutually decided to tell the public about Want You Back on the 19th of February, 3 days before they would “leak” it, to cause a stir. They would also be announcing the 5SOS3 tour on the same day as the song release: the 22nd (PT). It was the perfect plan, but Luke was nearly pissing his pants because of it. It was so close, now, only 9 days away. The realization kicked in. They would be leaving for their first show in Stockholm in a bit over a month. It was all hitting him like a train, and when Ashton asked him if he was okay once again, he let out a shaky breath.

‘Luke, bud, come here.’ The drummer tried pulling him in for a comforting hug, but he declined and stepped into the car. Ashton sighed deeply as he plopped down in the driver’s seat. ‘Luke…’

‘Look, Ashton, I just wanna go home. Can you please, _please_ just drive?’ Ashton nodded reluctantly when he saw the desperation in the blond’s eyes. He started the engine and turned up the music. American Money by BØRNS played loudly, and the older man quietly sang along to the lyrics. Luke was silent the whole time. He loved listening to Ashton’s voice, whether he was talking or singing. Something about it calmed him down tremendously. It never failed to work. ‘I’m sorry,’ sighed the singer when the song hit its last notes. ‘I’m just scared.’ The drummer closed his eyes for a second when they halted at a red traffic light.

‘I know you’re scared, Luke,’ he spoke. Luke tried to swallow the lump in his throat. ‘You’re just… You’re impossible to reach, at the moment. I wish I could look inside of your head, but I can’t and it sucks.’ The blond chewed on his lower lip. All he could think of was how glad he was that Ashton couldn’t look inside of his head, because 1) it was a nightmare in there, and 2) he would find out about Luke’s feelings for him. ‘I know this sounds like a shitty cliché, but I want to help you. I really do. You just need to let me in.’ The singer didn’t know what to say. He wanted Ashton to help him: part of him did, anyway. The majority of him, however, wanted to suffer solo. He looked out the window, watching the city under the Hollywood Hills slowly disappear from his view. Luke was sweaty. It was hot in LA today, and Luke was wearing a turtleneck. The bruises on his neck were too obvious to put on display, and this morning he had decided that having a heat stroke would be better than his bandmates and their management asking questions. He wouldn’t be able to handle it, and was scared he would snap. They arrived at the residence. ‘Can you please just say something? Anything, I don’t care what.’ Luke looked up at the man, keeping his gaze blank and emotionless. ‘I just want you to be okay.’  
            He thought about Sweden and Amsterdam, and about uncomfortable hotel beds that just weren’t _his_. About people following him around the cities, doing interviews, answering the same questions over and over again. It made him feel cold and empty inside. He loved meeting fans and performing, he really did, but that wasn’t all it took. 6 am call times and a constant jetlag were also part of the deal. He was just scared.  
            They went inside, and Luke could honestly just cry when he found the AC turned off. The inside of the house was even hotter than it was outside.

‘Fuck, I must’ve turned off the AC,’ muttered Ashton. Luke went upstairs and changed into a T-shirt and gym shorts. _Whatever_ , he thought. The drummer wouldn’t leave him alone anyways. Might as well add on. When he came back downstairs, Ashton was outside, sipping a clear drink with his feet and calves dipped in the swimming pool. He poured himself a diet coke and sat down next to the drummer, holding his breath. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey.’ Ashton’s gaze snapped towards him. He smiled and took a sip from his drink.

‘Finally a word from my boy.’ Luke nodded, a slanted grin around his lips. ‘Feeling a little better?’

‘I guess.’ He was honestly just very happy he wasn’t in that shitty turtleneck sweater anymore. ‘And you? How are you?’

‘I’m okay,’ answered the drummer. ‘A little scared, but okay. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who’s-’ He stopped talking, and his hand reached for the blond’s neck. ‘ _Luke_.’ He knew what this was about. Luke didn’t know what to do. He had known that this was coming, but it was so quick that it caught him off guard. ‘What happened to your _neck_?’

‘Nothing, I… I…’ Oh damn. He now wished he’d thought of an excuse before changing into a shirt.

‘Did somebody… What _is_ that?’ He scooted closer to the singer, but Luke turned his neck away from him and covered it with his hands. ‘Luke, what happened to you?’ He pried the blond’s fingers off his collar and took a closer look. ‘Is that… What? Is that fingerprints?’ Luke couldn’t see his face, but he imagined it having terror written all over. Ashton’s fingertips traced the bruises.

‘Let it go, okay?’ Luke said, swallowing his spittle. He pushed Ashton’s hand away. ‘Please.’

‘I can’t just let everything go, Luke,’ sighed the man, desperately. ‘You keep asking me to shut up and drive, _literally_. I can’t just let-’

‘One more time,’ begged the blond, sadness in his eyes. ‘Let it go one more time, please, do it for me. Just… Okay?’ Ashton’s eyes shot to the floor like magnets, and he nodded.

‘Okay, yeah.’ He looked up again. A stern look adorned his face, and it made the singer realize the earnestness of the situation. ‘But this is the last time.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna blow up soon, don't worry. Hope you enjoy.


	6. (not) a story for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took a while for me to update. I could lie and tell you that I've been really busy with school and work, but I've honestly just been partying for the past two weeks. My birthday passed, too, so I'm thankfully finally able to drink legally.

On Sunday, it was Sierra Deaton’s 27th birthday, and her friends were invited to a venue somewhere in Hollywood. The whole band went there, obviously, and it was alright. They had a few glasses of champagne and threw some roses at her. Ashton was with Sierra almost the whole time, and Luke wanted to go home early. He was tired and wasn’t having a lot of fun. There were a lot of people he didn’t know, and he wasn’t feeling the vibe.

‘Guys, I’m gonna head home,’ he announced at 2 am, after finishing another glass of bubbly. ‘I’ll catch you later, okay?’

‘I’ll come with you, I’m kinda tired.’ He heard the words coming out of Ashton’s mouth, and about two seconds later, the drummer himself seemed to hear them, too. They looked each other in the eyes, both shocked. This was exactly the situation in which they had been before the sexual incident happened between the two of them in 2013. Luke could read Ashton’s face like a book, and it was very clear that he was thinking about the same thing. He had just about said those exact words 5 years ago.

‘Ah, no!’ whined Sierra, fortunately breaking the two bandmates’ stares. ‘I don’t want you guys to go, it’s so much fun.’ Luke sighed.

‘I’m sorry, S, I just… I really wanna go home. It’s fun, here, I swear, but I haven’t been sleeping too well lately and I really just wanna go to bed.’ She nodded, pouting, and pulled the blond in for a hug. ‘Sorry, babe. Have a great rest of the night!’

‘Won’t be the same without you two, but thank you,’ she laughed, embracing Ashton. ‘I’ll see you guys later.’ The two men nodded, said their last goodbyes and left the venue, awkwardly walking side by side. Luke halted on the curb, the drummer following his movement.

‘I ordered a car,’ muttered the blond, toddling on his feet. ‘He’ll be here in 5.’ Ashton nodded, biting his lip. He pulled Luke back a little when a truck came by and he didn’t notice, tugging on his leather jacket clad arm.

‘Careful there,’ he mumbled. ‘Wouldn’t want you walking straight into traffic, now.’ The singer shot him a careful smile, which the man reluctantly returned. The car was soon to arrive, and they were quiet during the ride home. They just listened to the top 40 music that was on the radio and stared at their hands in their laps. ‘So… You haven’t been sleeping well?’ Luke bit his lip and shook his head. ‘That sucks.’ They were almost home now.

‘Yeah, kinda does.’ They paid their driver and got out of the car, walking down the driveway. Ashton opened the door, and they walked into the house.

‘Do you...’ The drummer bit his lower lip harshly. ‘Do you wanna sleep with me, tonight?’ It felt like Luke’s heart stopped for a second, there. He swallowed down, keeping his eyes focused on the ground below him.

‘I…’ He breathed in deeply and looked up at the man in front of him. ‘Yeah, I’d like that.’ Ashton nodded, and they made their way upstairs. They brushed their teeth and washed their faces. Luke awkwardly stood in front of Ashton’s bed for a minute as the other man crawled in, clad in just boxer shorts. He opened the blanket on the other side and motioned for him to come in. Luke’s heart was nearly beating out of his chest as he carefully stepped into the large bed. He lied down. The sheets and pillows smelt like Ashton, and Luke wanted nothing more than to bury his face in them and never leave. He was afraid to move, and by the looks of the other man, he was too. They were both on their backs, staring at the ceiling, until Ashton scraped his throat. He turned onto his side.

‘Back at the party, that was… It came out exactly like… You know…’ Luke nodded. Where they going to _talk_ about this? Were they really? He turned on his side, too, facing the other man. He noticed him staring at his neck, which was perfectly lit up by the moonlight peeking through the curtains. ‘I can’t let it go, Luke, I’m sorry.’ He sighed deeply, and Luke squealed like a child. ‘You have to tell me what happened.’

‘It’s… Ash… To be completely honest, it’s not a story for… you know… _now_.’ And by that he meant that he didn’t want to tell Ashton he’d had a man choking him during gay sex right now, especially not now that they were in bed together. The odds of that coming across as weird were about 90/10. It really sucked that the man had had to bring it up. Why couldn’t he have just kept quiet?

‘I want you to tell me.’ He sounded serious, and the hoarse crack of his voice made him sound even a little vulnerable. ‘I don’t care what it is. Nothing will make me run off, okay? _Nothing_.’

‘Except for this, Ashton, trust me. You don’t want to know about this.’

‘I do want to know about this, Luke. I promise I won’t take off. I’ll be in this position for as long as you’ll have me. _Whatever_ it is.’ The blond sighed, and he could suddenly feel the alcohol rushing to his brain again. He couldn’t escape this.

‘I had sex.’

‘You had sex?’ Ashton seemed a little confused. ‘And she, like, got a little kinky on you?’ He sighed. ‘Luke, why did you-’

‘ _He_ ,’ he said, quickly, just getting it over with. ‘ _He_ got a little kinky on me.’ He could have left it at Ashton’s conclusion, but he wanted to get it out of the way. This threw Ashton off guard, Luke could see it, but he just nodded. Luke’s heart stopped.

‘Okay, okay. You had sex with a man.’ He smiled, which made the blond’s heart start beating again. ‘That’s… Wait.’ He frowned. ‘Did you think I’d have a problem with that?’

‘I… I don’t know. Yes? I don’t know. You… You don’t?’

‘ _Luke_ , we… you know…’ He half-smirked. ‘Wasn’t that enough for you to realize that I’d be completely fine with it?’

‘I… I guess that makes sense, yeah.’

‘Y’know, I’ve never told you about this, but I’ve done it, too.’ Luke’s eyes shot up to find Ashton’s. He looked at him, questioning. ‘Yeah, I’ve had sex with not one, but _two_ guys before.’

‘What? When? Why have you never told me about that?’ Luke felt hurt. He’d been walking around with this for so long, now. If Ashton had told him, then maybe he wouldn’t have had such a hard time coming out with it. Maybe it was a little hypocritical, but he also felt a little bad about Ashton not trusting him enough to tell him.

‘It first happened when we were going through our, y’know, tough period. We weren’t on speaking terms, so I naturally didn’t tell you. And then I just forgot about it. Or, like, not _forgot_ about it, but it never came up.’

‘Did you tell Cal and Michael?’

‘Yeah.’ That felt like a dagger through the heart. He understood, but it still hurt. Why had he been like that, back when he was with Arzaylea? He had missed so many important things.

‘And the second time? Why didn’t you tell me about that?’

‘Because you never told me about your sex life, either, and I didn’t think it would be appreciated. You had other things to worry about, Luke. You were in such a bad place. Please don’t turn on me because of this. I was just looking out for you.’  He aggressively chewed on his lips. ‘I promise I was just looking out for you.’

‘I… That’s okay.’ He loved Ashton so much. He could feel it in his stomach, and in his chest. Everywhere. The butterflies were spreading like crazy, all of the sudden. It was just the look in Ashton’s eyes, and the words he spoke. How he just wanted what was best for him. ‘Thank you, for… uh… looking out for me.’ They were quiet for a few minutes, then, both staring at the ceiling again. Luke thought about what had been said. Ashton had had sex with men before. It was just strange to him, because he had always thought that Ashton was the straight everyman. Of course they had shared that sexually charged moment when they were 16 and 18, but Luke had written that off as curiosity too, at first. He thought the man had fallen asleep, after about 10 minutes, but then he spoke up again.

‘How was it?’

‘The sex?’

‘Yeah.’

‘It was… It was good. I liked it a lot.’ Ashton turned on his side again, and Luke did the same.

‘Did it hurt?’ He sounded very curious, which made the blond realize that _right_ , he had probably been the pitcher both times he’d slept with guys. He had most likely guessed that Luke had been on the bottom from the hefty, dominant bruises in his neck that had started this whole conversation.

‘At first it did, but then it felt good.’ He felt an intense crimson red blush creep onto his cheeks, and felt like a 14 year old schoolboy talking about sex with a friend for the first time. ‘Did you like it, when you did it?’ He could see Ashton nodding in the dim, white light.

‘A lot,’ he said, and he didn’t sound half as nervous and embarrassed as Luke. ‘It was, like… Have you ever had sex with a virgin?’ The blond shook his head. ‘Well, imagine it, and then ten times tighter.’ It was strange, talking to Ashton about this, and the blood was still rushing in his cheeks. ‘Who did you do it with?’ Luke debated not telling him, because Ashton knew Samuel, too. Not on a personal level, but they had hung out in a group before.

‘Samuel,’ he sighed out.

‘Callahan?’ Luke nodded. How Ashton remembered every name he had ever heard was beyond him. If he hadn’t said it, the blond wouldn’t have known Samuel’s surname for the life of him. ‘He didn’t hurt you too bad, did he?’

‘No. I… I asked him to, y’know, hurt me a little.’ Luke’s breathing was uneven. ‘I like that.’

‘Oh.’ Ashton snickered. ‘I love that you’re so weird about talking to me about this.’

‘It’s just… We never do this,’ said the blond. ‘We’ve never talked about sex before. Not _really_.’ Ashton nodded. He knew it was true. ‘Especially not… y’know…’

‘ _Gay sex_ ,’ finished the drummer. ‘It’s okay, you can say it.’ Luke nodded. ‘But Luke, why were you so afraid of telling me? Is this something you’ve been dealing with for longer? Or has it just started?’ The singer bit his lip.

‘I’ve… I used to really question my sexuality, like, 5 years ago, but then it stopped, because I had Arzaylea, and other girls. But then, these past months, it started again. I started seeing… _guys_ … in a different light.’ And by _guys_ he mainly meant Ashton. He wasn’t going to admit that, though.

‘I’m happy you trust me now, Luke, but why didn’t you trust me before? For the love of God, why would you think I’d run?’ He didn’t know. Luke had no idea how to respond to that. It wasn’t that he didn’t _trust_ Ashton, it was just that it was about him. That he had feelings for _him_ , not just men in general, but _him_. The drummer knowing about the blond’s sexual preferences made it harder. The blond knowing about the drummer’s sexuality didn’t make it much easier, either. It made Luke feel a certain type of rejected. He had always believed that the elder was straight, and that that was why he never showed interest in the blond, in that way. Now, however, that turned out to not be the reason. Why didn’t he have feelings for the singer? Did he? Had Luke never thought he had a chance like that, and was that, perhaps, why he just hadn’t noticed certain signs? Maybe Ashton had always thought _Luke_ was straight. Were they in the same boat? Or was that a delusional thought? Luke’s mind was racing with questions, and he almost forgot Ashton had asked him a question.

‘I don’t know why I did you like that,’ he mumbled. ‘I just didn’t trust anybody, not with _this_ secret. Samuel was the first person I’ve ever told about this – not because I trusted him, per se, it was just… I was high, and really angry, and it just slipped out. I wasn’t even going to tell him, it just happened.’ He frowned. ‘What I’m trying to say is that it’s not just you I didn’t wanna tell, it was everybody. Y’know what I mean? I feel like I’m making no sense.’

‘No, I understand, Luke. I know what you mean.’ Ashton reached out to him, touching his cheek with his fingertips. ‘It’s okay, I… I guess we’re even now. I didn’t tell you either, after all.’ Luke nodded and chuckled. Ashton’s hand was warm on his cheek, and he felt his entire face heating up like crazy. Obviously, the elder still didn’t know about the blond’s feelings towards him. He probably had no idea what this was doing to Luke.

‘Hey Ash, do you think we can go to sleep now? I’m… I’m really tired.’ The drummer laughed softly and nodded. He pulled his hand back, and the singer whimpered at the loss of contact, even though it had been what he had asked for.

‘Of course we can go to sleep, Lukey boy.’ The blond turned around, facing the wall, and he felt his bandmate crawl closer to him. He spooned him, holding him tightly. ‘Good night.’ He kissed the back of Luke’s head.

‘Good night, Ash,’ sighed the blond. How in God’s name had he gotten himself in this position?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not super long or whatever, but it's definitely an important chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!


	7. valentine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite long, prepare.

‘Hey Valentine, are you almost finished?’ Ashton yelled, knocking on the bathroom door.

‘Y- Yeah, just a minute!’ The blond was in quite an awkward position, jerking off and very close to an orgasm. He rested his head against the cold tiles next to him and moved his hand in rapid motions. Ashton yelling at him was… well, Ashton yelling at him wasn’t quite the problem. That helped. Having to yell back had been a workout, though.

‘We’re leaving in 20! You better be done jerking off then!’ And that did it. He let out a restrained groan and came all over his hand and stomach, the water immediately taking it down the drain. He washed his hair and body, shaking and panting heavily. Fortunately there was no sign of the drummer on the other side of the door anymore. He quickly dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist before looking at himself in the mirror. He looked properly fucked up, like bags the size of Tokyo under his eyes fucked up, bloodshot eyes fucked up. It was February 14th, a Wednesday this year. St. Valentine’s Day had never been something Luke got worked up about, and this year was no different. Ashton had insisted they spent the night together – the three of them, Luke, Calum and himself. Michael was obviously off doing lovey-dovey things with Crystal. That was no issue. They were fine without him, had been for a while now. Luke had gone over to Sierra’s in the afternoon, because he wanted to spend some time with her. They played the guitar and sang for a bit, but Luke couldn’t be home late. The drummer had told them to be ready by 8 pm, “or else”, and even though Luke was almost dying to figure out what that meant, he had decided that he would be a good friend. Therefore, he was now getting all dolled up at 7.45, fresh off a dick beating session, ready to face the big bad world. Whatever Ashton had planned was probably going to fuck them all up for days, and Luke was fucking _ready_.

‘I’m done!’ yelled the blond as he walked downstairs. He wore a silk button-up, but it wasn’t as buttoned up as it was supposed to be. He’d been wearing it to Sierra’s, too, and she liked the looks of it. His hair was curly, still a little damp from his shower, and he hadn’t shaved in a few days. He thought it looked cool, and hoped Ashton would think so as well. Ashton was in the kitchen, looking fly as ever.

‘That’s a lot of cleavage you’re showing, young man,’ he noted, biting his lower lip. Luke mirrored him. They looked at each other with intense stares for a little bit too long, before Ashton scraped his throat. ‘Calum is waiting for us at his place.’ Luke nodded, snapping out of his haze, and followed the drummer to the car that was parked outside. They greeted the driver. Luke never drove anymore. Neither did Ashton.

‘Hey guys,’ said Calum as he hopped into the car next to them. They said hi back. ‘Are you gonna tell us where we’re going, Ash?’ The man chuckled.

‘Getting a little nervous?’ asked the drummer.

‘I mean, I don’t _love_ surprises,’ frowned the New Zealander.

‘Me neither, Ash,’ sighed Luke, uncomfortably. He trusted Ashton, but he was still a little scared. What if they were hitting the club? What if the same thing as last Thursday would happen? With Ashton kissing a girl, and him running off. Thinking about the sex he’d had with Samuel made the inside of his stomach tickle. He just really wished it would’ve been Ashton.

‘Fine, I’ll tell you.’ Ashton’s arm was around Luke’s shoulder, his fingers tapping on his collar bone, and the blond wished that he’d never stop. ‘We’re going out for dinner first. I made a reservation at this crazy expensive restaurant in Beverly Hills. It’s called Spago, and Wolfgang Puck is the chef, which is fucking awesome.’ Luke would be lying if he said he knew who that was, and from the looks of Calum, he was thinking the same thing. They played along, though.

‘Awesome!’ Luke said, uncomfortably. He may have been in the dark about Wolfgang Puck, but he knew all about Spago. It was a celebrity hotspot, a place where public figures would go to see and to be seen. Luke vaguely remembered Britney Spears calling the paparazzi on herself there, once. He was a little panicked. The last thing he wanted right now was a camera in his face. He grabbed his phone out of pocket and opened Instagram. He had posted a picture of himself that Sierra had taken, a rose lying on the table in front of him as he played an acoustic guitar. His comment section was blowing up, and although he (obviously) didn’t have his notifications on, he liked scrolling through the comments sometimes.

‘Do you want the public to think you two are dating?’ whispered Ashton in Luke’s ear, looking at his phone. Calum was having a timid conversation with their Uber driver, and wasn’t paying attention. ‘Is that your way of dealing with your sexuality? Getting a _beard_?’ He’d heard of that. When Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles were dating, a couple of years ago, they would have what they called “beards” too. It was somebody to cover up the gay, or the bi, or whatever the non-heterosexuality was. Luke looked at the drummer with big eyes, then started frowning. He questioned himself.

‘I… I don’t know.’ He had thought about it, before posting the picture. It looked kind of romantic. A big part of the post was that he thought he looked good and skinny, but there was definitely something in him that wanted the public to think he was spending Valentine’s Day with a girl, so he had tagged Sierra as the photographer. It wasn’t like the world often questioned his sexuality, not at all, but the more sure about his bisexuality he got, the more he felt the need to hide it. Was he overcompensating by posting this picture, with this description? Was that something he’d subconsciously done? Had he been doing that more often, recently? ‘I… No, I don’t want a… a beard.’ He was whispering, not wanting Calum to hear. ‘I just thought I looked good in this picture, and… I… I don’t know, Ash.’ He felt stupid. ‘Can we not talk about this right now?’

‘Sure.’

‘Thank you.’ The driver dropped them off at Spago, and Luke’s heart almost stopped when he saw a few men with cameras standing close to the building. He couldn’t be seen on Valentine’s Day with Ashton and Calum. That would be… What _would_ that be? He had no idea why he was feeling this bad, right now, but he was pretty sure he was about to have an panic attack. When the cameras started flashing, the white light shining on Luke’s face, he about ran inside. He heard Ashton yell his name, but he walked straight to the restroom, dropped to his knees in a stall and threw up the little content of his stomach, along with a whole lot of disgusting bile. He looked at himself in the mirror with a heaving breath. Why had he gotten himself so worked up? The realization hit him that, as soon as they would go on tour, this would be an everyday thing. The bright flash of cameras would be blinding him day in day out. This was merely a little flash-forward into the future, a tiny snippet of the months that were to come.

‘Luke?’ It was Calum, walking up to him. ‘What’s wrong, buddy? Did the papz catch you off guard?’ The blond was practically crying without sobs and tears. Everything else about him _screamed_ misery. He didn’t respond to his bandmate, just shook his head heavily. ‘You have some… some vomit on your lip.’ Luke quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. ‘Do you wanna go home? Maybe we can take the back entrance if we ask nicely.’

‘I wanna go for a smoke,’ Luke breathed out. ‘Do you have any cigarettes on you?’ Calum nodded quickly and felt around in his pocket before pulling out a carton of Marlboros. He handed it to the singer. ‘Can you… Can you tell Ashton that I… I just need a moment?’ The bassist looked concerned, but he agreed anyway. ‘I’m gonna ask around for a secluded place. If you… If you wanna order, just pick something light for me, okay? Like a salad, no dressing, or something like that.’ He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. ‘Can you… Can you not tell Ashton I was puking?’ Calum nodded and lightly touched Luke’s shoulder before leaving the bathroom.  Luke quickly found an employee, a nice young woman with dark brown hair and red lipstick. Her name was Kyla and she escorted him to a little place in the courtyard where nobody was seated. She put down an ashtray and a lighter and told him to enjoy himself, and of course ask her if he needed anything. Luke thanked her and lit up a cigarette.  
            He felt guilty, _very_ guilty. There was always something with him, always something that would ruin whatever nice things other people had planned. Ashton had been really excited about eating at Spago, and knowing this restaurant, he had most likely had this reservation standing for weeks. They hadn’t even been inside yet and Luke had already fucked up the whole experience big time. He was embarrassed and afraid that Ashton would hate him now. He was always concerning him, messing up everything nice. He had every right to hate Luke right now.  
            There was something calming about smoking a cigarette. Just focusing on the smoke going in and out of your lungs, the nicotine making your head spin a little. Luke knew he shouldn’t, he was the lead singer in a huge band for fuck’s sake, but it helped. When he pressed the filter into the crystal ashtray on the table, his breathing had steadied and he felt much calmer than he had beforehand. He went back inside.

‘Are you okay?’ asked Ashton when he sat down at the table.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. I just… I just needed a second, y’know? I kinda… I guess I just kinda forgot what it was like to randomly have a camera pointed at you.’ Ashton nodded, biting his lip. He didn’t seem to quite buy it, but he didn’t say anything.

‘I ordered you something with a worryingly unpronounceable name for your first course,’ Ashton changed the subject. ‘It’s some kind of strange pear, I think. Told them to come back for the next course.’ Luke nodded gratefully. Pear he could do. It was a fruit, couldn’t be too high in calories. Restaurants like these usually served incredibly small portions, too. _You will be fine_ , he told himself. _You will be fine_.

The dinner was long, but it wasn’t boring. They talked about fun things, about music and about Michael and his relationship, about the traumatic blind date Calum had been on a few weeks ago, about Luke spending time with Travis Baker a while back. It was nice, relaxed, nothing tense or dramatic. Just some good, fun time spent with the fellas.  
            The restaurant closed at 10 pm, and they had just finished their desserts.

 ‘Are we going home, now?’ asked Calum, the question solely directed towards Ashton. The idea of the drummer having a whole night planned wasn’t very farfetched, so Luke understood the tone of Calum’s voice like no other.

‘I was thinking we should maybe hit the strip club,’ said the hazel-eyed man. ‘’s Been a while since we’ve last done that, hasn’t it?’

‘Marvelous idea,’ grinned the bassist, and he bumped fists with Ashton. ‘Which one were you thinking?’ They talked about a gentlemen’s club on Hollywood Blvd., and Luke was honestly very reluctant about going there. It was quite exclusive, no cameras allowed inside, a strict guest list with literal confidentiality statements at the door. Would they even get in? ‘You with us, Luke? Something tells me it’s been a while since you’ve last seen some good tits.’ And the way he said that did nothing but make Luke chuckle.

‘Yeah, I’ll come with, I guess.’ Maybe it was good for him to have some half-naked girls in his lap. Now that he had started allowing himself to jerk off to the thought of Ashton, women had been the furthest thing from his mind during those solo sessions, and he found it a little worrying. Could he still get turned on by girls? Or was he so smitten with Ashton that he was the only thing that could get him off? He was rather curious to find out, so they headed to Hollywood Blvd. and entered the gentlemen’s club Ashton and Calum had been talking about. It was no problem. The bouncer recognized them and they were escorted to a booth, where they ordered a few drinks. Luke felt a little uncomfortable. There weren’t as many people in the club as you’d find in most clubs, and he felt like all eyes were on them. That was probably just his mind playing tricks on him, though, because he very literally just spotted Willem Dafoe at the bar. The secrecy around this place started to make sense. He was happy about it. They had young fans.  
            Luke got a lap dance from “Helvetica”, which he was quite sure was the name of a Word font, and he got hard, which felt like a huge relief. He hadn’t expected it to be that quick and easy. He got a text when he was on his fourth scotch, a text from Samuel Callahan.

_What r u up to tonight? I faintly remember you still have some of my clothes… might need them soon ;)_

He almost spat out his drink when he read it, and quickly jammed his phone back into his pocket. This wasn’t a text he could respond to right now. He wasn’t going to Samuel’s, not right now. The idea of having sex with him again made his heart race and his blood pump through his veins on full speed, but he couldn’t do it. He was with his friends, now. He still hadn’t figured out what he was going to do with his feelings for Ashton, and he still hadn’t figured out what those feelings were, exactly, either. Boning Sam would be a terrible plan.

‘She’s so fucking hot,’ he heard Ashton murmur to Calum. If it had been about a stripper, it would have been different, but it wasn’t about a stripper. It was about a waitress. She was beautiful, dressed neatly with glowing skin and doe-like, brown eyes. She was very thin, so beautifully thin. Luke threw back the rest of his scotch and waved at another waitress, one that Ashton wasn’t so hung up on.

‘Can I have a refill?’ He winked, she smiled and nodded, took his glass and was off to the bar. He needed to drink more, much more, if he wanted to get through this. Ashton was interested in people, in girls, and it made his heart catch fire. It physically hurt to see him flirt with that girl, and it seemingly hurt more and more with every sip he took.

‘Hey Luke,’ Ashton said, his hand on the waitress’ arm like an annoying father at a restaurant, about to whip out a stupid dad joke. She was blushing like crazy, and Luke’s entire body roared. ‘Isn’t she the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?’ Luke took a deep breath and nodded, finishing his glass again. The liquor burned in his throat, and his vision started getting a little blurry. ‘No, but seriously, look at-’

‘I get it,’ snapped the blond, before standing up. ‘I’m leaving, I’ll pay you back for my part of the check.’ Ashton frowned. He looked confused. Luke was just angry.

‘What? Why?’ He let go of the waitress’ arm, and she sensed the atmosphere, so she left to serve other customers. ‘Where are you going? What did I do wrong?’

‘You did nothing wrong, I’m just leaving.’ He sounded harsh, cool, almost emotionless. He whipped out his phone and shot Samuel a text.

_On my way_

‘Where are you going?’ asked Ashton. His thick eyebrows were nearly knotted together, now. Luke rolled his eyes and looked at him.

‘None of your business.’

‘Really? This is how it’s gonna go now?’ The drummer sounded malicious. ‘I do something that pisses you off, even though I have no fucking clue what, and you run off to get fucked by some sadistic businessman with a choking kink?’ Luke’s mouth was agape, now. He couldn’t believe he had just said that. Luke looked at Calum, who had a shocked expression on his face.

‘Jesus Christ, _fuck you_ ,’ he spat at Ashton, and left the club. He heard Ashton yell curse words at him, but didn’t pay attention. What an incredible asshole. When he was in the Uber, on his way to Samuel’s, he shot the drummer a text.

_You’re the fucking biggest asshole I know, you fucking just outed me to calum and you have no remorse. Go think about that you motherfucking dickhead._

There was a lot of anger in him, and deep down he knew that it wasn’t Ashton’s fault, but he just couldn’t think rationally. When Samuel opened the door, the first thing he did was kiss him. It was rough and there was a lot of spit and teeth, but it was exactly what Luke needed.

‘Hello to you too,’ smirked the brunet when they disconnected. ‘Do you want a drink?’

‘Please.’ They sat down on the couch with something alcoholic, Samuel immediately resting his hand on Luke’s thigh. ‘I didn’t bring your clothes.’

‘That’s not what I wanted you here for,’ grinned the brunet. ‘Those clothes are the last thing from my mind right now.’ He started kissing the singer’s neck, biting down softly. Luke received a text. He looked at the screen, Samuel’s lips never detaching from his neck. It was Ashton.

_I shouldn’t have done that_

That was it. No apology, no “be careful tonight”. Just “I shouldn’t have done that”, just an acknowledgment of his mistake. Luke’s face was scrunched up as he looked at his phone with an indignant expression. Ashton was supposed to feel guiltier, conscience-stricken.

‘I see,’ chuckled Samuel into his neck. ‘ _That’s_ why you’re back.’

‘’m Sorry,’ Luke mumbled. ‘I really do like you, ‘s not all because I wanna get Ash outta my head. I’m just… I don’t know.’ He sighed. ‘We went to this strip club in Hollywood and he was really hitting it off with some waitress. And it pissed me off so badly. But don’t get me wrong, I really do wanna be here, with you.’ Samuel smiled.

‘Babe, you don’t have to explain,’ he said, reassuringly stroking Luke’s hair. ‘No need to justify yourself. We’re in this for the same thing.’ His tongue swirled around the blond’s ear, and it was everything. It sent shivers down Luke’s spine, his whole body shook with anticipation. He put his glass down on the coffee table and stood up before sitting down in Samuel’s lap, knees on either sides of the brunet’s thighs. The man opened the closed buttons of Luke’s silk shirt, and the blond kissed him. His curls were getting long and they were hanging in his face until Samuel took them in his hand and pulled them back. ‘So hot, babe, such a pretty boy for me, aren’t ya?’ Luke nodded quickly and opened the man’s belt.  ‘What do you wanna do, pretty boy?’ Luke dropped to his knees, between the man’s legs, and slid down his jeans. ‘Wanna blow me?’ He looked up, trying his best to get a seductive sparkle in his eyes. It seemed to work just well, because Samuel moaned, and he hadn’t even touched him yet.

‘Yeah, wanna blow you.’

‘Yeah, you wanna blow daddy?’ And _oh_ , Luke could work with that. He felt himself grow hard fast, even faster than when he was getting a lap dance, just now.

‘Yeah daddy,’ he said. ‘Gonna blow you so good.’ He took off the man’s boxer shorts and started working him with his hands. He had no idea what he was doing, because he’d received tons of blowjobs, but he had never been on the giving end. Samuel was talking about how much of a good boy Luke was and referred to himself as _daddy_ , now that he had figured out that Luke liked that too, whilst the blond found out he was very good at deep throating dicks. Samuel came down his throat and he swallowed the whole load.

‘You’re really good at that, Luke,’ said the man with big eyes. Luke felt flattered. This had been his first time, after all. ‘A natural, aren’t ya?’ He winked and pulled the blond onto his lap again. He grabbed Luke’s bulge softly. ‘Now what are we gonna do about this?’ Luke was out of breath from sucking Samuel’s dick, so he couldn’t really speak, but he really wanted him to do something about his raging boner. ‘What do you want daddy to do to you?’ Luke carefully wondered if Ashton still had a daddy kink, too. It had been more than confirmed a few years ago, when he heard him and a girl having sex, and it had kind of turned into an inside joke. An inside joke that practically their entire fandom was in on, but an inside joke nevertheless. Thing was, in LA it was almost rare to find a guy _without_ a daddy kink, so it was no surprise that Samuel was into it. He just really wanted to know what Ashton liked in bed, now, and it was keeping him from staying in the moment. Because in _this_ moment, he was about to have some type of sex, and he really didn’t want to miss that.

‘I… I don’t know.’ And he honestly really didn’t. ‘What… What do you _want_ to do?’ He heard an intense moan coming out of Samuel’s mouth.

‘The possibilities are endless, aren’t they?’ He nibbled on Luke’s collar bone. ‘Kinda wanna keep doing things you’ve never done before. Get you ready to really get out there like this.’ The blond liked that, he really did, but he was a little nervous about it. What else was there that he didn’t know about? How kinky exactly _was_ Samuel? There were a million and one questions he could’ve asked, then, but he just nodded.

‘Yeah, anything.’ If there was anything he’d find pleasurable, that would get rid of his now nearly painful hard-on, he was probably going to be up for it. ‘Anything, daddy.’

‘Didn’t expect you to be so easy to control,’ grinned the man, swirling Luke’s curls around his fingers. ‘I like it, a nice, submissive, pretty boy. Can’t wait to make you feel good. Want daddy to make you feel good?’ The blond nodded. It almost made him forget he was a grown man, almost made him feel like the twig he’d been at age 16. ‘You wanna come sit on my face?’

‘Wh- What?’ It came out so confused that it made Samuel laugh. Luke’s cheeks turned pink. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You know what? Let’s do it like this.’ He carefully pushed the blond back onto the couch. ‘Take off your jeans and boxers, go sit on all fours. Yeah?’

‘I…’ He bit his lip, looking skeptical. ‘I don’t know about all that.’ The man touched his cheek carefully, a smile around his lips.

‘’s Nothing to worry about.’ He started undoing Luke’s belt and jeans. The singer let him, but he felt insecure. The hesitation he was feeling towards this whole ordeal made him less horny. Once his jeans were off, the man gestured towards the couch. ‘Go lie down, yeah?’ The younger man swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. He carefully sat down, on hands and knees, and immediately felt Samuel’s big hands on his boxer-clad bottom. ‘Such a pretty little ass you got.’ He felt vulnerable, almost defenseless, even though he knew he could just stand up and walk away. ‘Gonna take these off, okay?’ Luke nodded shakily. ‘Words, Luke.’

‘Y- Yeah… Take them off.’

‘Why are you so nervous about this?’ chuckled Samuel as he slid the man’s boxer shorts down. He untangled them from Luke’s feet and threw them to the side. The blond felt intensely self-conscious about sitting in this position. ‘You’re so beautiful, so… You shave?’ Luke’s cheeks were crimson red, now.

‘I do,’ he whispered. Samuel touched him and let out a beast-like groan.

‘You have no clue what you do to me. No clue what you probably do to everybody that will ever have the pleasure of seeing you like this.’ When he first felt wetness against him, he almost _shot_ forward like a bullet, but the man kept him in place and worked his tongue against, around and literally _inside_ him. Luke didn’t know what was happening to him, but it felt so damn good that he didn’t care. He jerked himself off as Samuel ate him out, keeping his hips steady with his large hands.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Luke panted after he had come all over the couch. He sat down, his chest going up and down in a rapid tempo. ‘That was insane.’

‘Thank you,’ smirked the man. Luke laughed softly at his response. ‘You wanna stay over tonight?’ Luke nodded. He didn’t think he could go home now, looking and feeling like this. He was a mess.

‘I’d like that, yeah.’

‘You can hit the showers, if you want. ‘m Gonna clean up this lovely mess we made.’ He winked. ‘You know where it is, right?’ Luke nodded. ‘Good.’ Samuel stood up and laughed heartily. ‘Goddammit, I hope Ashton one day comes to his senses and gets to put you in this position, too.’ And with that, he was out of the living room. The blond rubbed his eyes and stood up, stumbling from dizziness. God, he hoped so too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And fuck, do I hope so too.  
> I hope you enjoyed this. It's, once again, not Ashton, but it's all part of the process. Samuel is obviously important for the story and I hope you can all see that and enjoy it, too. I wonder what you think Samuel looks like, let me know!


	8. emotional wreck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bunch of tears, which is a lot, because fic Luke (and I'm guessing real life Luke) is very emotionally distant. Have fun!

‘Don’t you think it’s better to talk about it, Luke?’

‘No.’ The blond buried his face in his hands and sighed deeply. He was at Feldy’s place. It was Saturday, and the first teasers for Want You Back had been put out there through Twitter. Luke was beyond nervous, now. The world would hear the single’s studio version for the first time in less than a week. It was breaking him up, but that wasn’t the only thing on his chest.

‘Ashton told me you have been ignoring him for almost three full days, Luke,’ said John, a worried frown on his face. ‘Three days is a long time for two guys who are as close as you. You _live_ together.’ He sighed. ‘What happened, Luke?’

‘I don’t wanna talk about it, John.’ Luke’s gaze was venomous. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? I – don’t – want – to – talk – about – it.’ John about rolled his eyes at that. The blond saw it in his face, and actually did an eye roll.

‘You look and sound like a 5 year old.’

‘Fuck you.’

‘I’m not forcing you to talk, but you _are_ in my house, and I would like to know why you’ve been looking like you’re on the verge of crying for the past half hour.’

‘I don’t look like...’ Luke groaned. ‘Whatever. John, seriously, I… I…’ His voice broke. ‘I’m just tired.’ He sipped from his glass of water. ‘Something happened between Ash and me, last Wednesday. I just really don’t want to see him right now, let alone talk to him. And it’s…’ He turned to the gray man next to him. ‘It just sucks, y’know? We live together, and I can’t avoid him.’

‘You shouldn’t,’ said John. He reached out to put a hand on Luke’s shoulder, but the blond shimmied away. The man sighed. ‘Luke…’ The twenty-something shook his head. ‘What happened? You know you can trust me.’ The blond looked up, biting his lip. He knew he could trust John. He was sort of his LA father, in a way. That, however, also made it harder to talk about this topic. Luke started to realize that this was _coming out_. That this wasn’t just telling somebody about a forbidden crush. And it somewhat calmed him a little, because it didn’t feel like he was worrying about nothing anymore. This was a legitimate reason for concern.

‘I _do_ trust you,’ Luke whimpered. His face was scrunched up and his hand covered the lower half of it. He felt tears well up, but tried his best to push them back by keeping his eyes tightly shut. ‘It’s hard.’ He allowed the man to wrap an arm around his shoulder, this time, and put his head on his chest before bursting out in tears. This was his first time in very long while crying in front of somebody, and it didn’t feel good. He didn’t like showing vulnerability. Looking rock hard was kind of his thing, at the moment. That would obviously no longer be how John saw him, _if_ that had already ever been the case. The man knew him very well.

‘You don’t have to tell me, if you really don’t want to,’ shushed Feldy. ‘but I do want you to know that your secret, no matter how big or small, is safe with me. I’m not gonna snitch, or whatever you kids these days call it.’ Luke laughed a little through his tears. ‘When you’ve lived in LA as long as me, nothing will shock you. Trust me on that one.’

‘Yeah, I… I’ll tell you.’ He sat up straight again and dried his tears, although he knew it was no use. John, being the good listener he was, turned a little, so he could look at the young singer. Luke took a deep breath. ‘Wednesday was just… I don’t know, a _snippet_ of what has been going on.’ He knew that John had figured that out already, but was grateful he didn’t say anything. ‘Just… John, I’m gonna just get it out there: I’m not straight. I don’t know what I am, but I’m not straight.’ The man didn’t say anything, just nodded. ‘Last Wednesday we went out to… I don’t know, it wasn’t a Valentine’s dinner per se, but it kind of was? I’m not sure. We went to Spago and I had a bit of a mental breakdown but it was fine. We had fun.’ He chewed on his lower lip. ‘Then Ash and Cal decided that they wanted to go to a strip club, and, well, I joined them. It was all really weird, and I honestly don’t _love_ strip clubs, but it wasn’t bad.’ He thought back of how easily he had popped a boner with that stripper dancing in his lap, but didn’t tell John. It sounded vulgar, he thought. ‘But then Ashton started rambling on about how beautiful this waitress was, and she was standing right next to him. And then he… I don’t even know what he did, but I got so jealous, and I left. But before I left, Ashton got… God, I’m not telling this story in a chronological order.’ He sighed deeply. It was hard, telling John this, and his breath was shaky.

‘It’s okay, Luke, it doesn’t have to be in the right order,’ Feldy reassured him, rubbing his shoulder. ‘Just say what feels natural.’ The blond nodded and rubbed his eyes,

‘We went out, like, I don’t know, on a Thursday. I think last week.’ He was feeling a little lost. ‘And I saw Ashton kissing a girl, and I did cocaine and had a lot to drink, so I kinda… I kinda lost control there. I ran away. I was so mad, Feldy… Looking back, it must have been so confusing for Ash, but for me it was crystal clear. I felt so fucked over, I don’t even know why. And then I…’ He tried to remember the night. ‘I ran into Samuel, who… I don’t know where I met him. Not important, either, but I knew who he was and vice versa. So I went into a club with him, and I was a dick to him. God, I remember being an _asshole_ , but I don’t know how bad it really was.’ He rubbed his temples. ‘I told him that I was angry about Ashton kissing that girl, and then I told him that I like Ash.’ That finally got at least _a_ reaction out of John. He frowned, but remained silent. ‘I… I think it’s not even that I _like_ Ash, I think I might be in love with him.’

‘That’s… Yeah, Luke, that’s definitely something big.’ Luke wasn’t crying, but he felt very panicked. ‘Is that why you’ve been like this, lately? How long has this been going on?’

‘A while, I mean, a few months for sure.’

‘Oh Lukey...’ It had John perplexed, to say the least, and Luke was kind of happy it was such a shock to him. At least that meant that he hadn’t noticed anything. ‘Do you want something to drink? Like, something with a decent amount of alcohol in it?’ Luke nodded.

‘Please.’ So John poured them both a vodka club soda and they went to sit by the pool in the sun. Luke told him the rest of the story. He told him that he had slept with Samuel, and that he had told Ashton. That Ashton had had sex with men before, too, and that he had been very conflicted about the drummer not telling him about it. He also told John about Valentine’s Day and its escapades. Ashton outing him in front of Calum, which he was sure meant that Michael and Crystal knew too, now, and how he had ran off to Samuel to get fucked, again.

‘Do you have any feelings for this Samuel man?’ asked Feldy, looking into the distance with a slightly bothered look in his eyes.

‘I don’t think so.’ Luke squinted. ‘No, I don’t have feelings for him. I just like to have sex with him, to be honest. He doesn’t want anything else, either. That’s clear. I just… After I told Ashton about him, things didn’t immediately change. But at the strip club it definitely did seem to bother him.’

‘He shouldn’t have outed you like that,’ said John. He sounded like a dad. ‘There’s no excuse for that, let’s be clear about that.’ Luke completely agreed with that. ‘However, I also don’t think it’s fair how you treated him, there.’ The blond turned his head so quickly that his neck about snapped at the movement. He frowned indignantly.

‘Excuse me? He was all o-’

‘Let me speak, Luke.’ The younger one was awfully close to getting angry at the man, but he contained his rage and nodded, jaws clenching. ‘He doesn’t know that you like him like that. I need you to _think_ , Luke. He has no idea, is completely oblivious about the fact that you’re head over heels in love with him.’ The blond was about to correct him, but the man’s finger was quickly up in the air, which made him shut his mouth. ‘Therefore, he also has no idea what it does to you when he flirts with people. How is he supposed to know that it hurts you when he does that?’ And sure, Luke had thought about that, but hearing it like this made it clearer for sure. He shrugged stupidly. ‘He couldn’t have known, and you snapping at him left him very confused. When people are confused, they do stupid things. And like I said before, Ashton outing you cannot be justified, and that was by no means a _logical_ reaction, but humans aren’t logical beings. They’re unpredictable. It’s a stressful time for all of you, for Ash as well, don’t forget that. I think you need to cut him some slack. You could really use each other right now.’

-

Luke didn’t take John’s advice for granted. He had stayed for another 2 hours and had then gotten a poke bowl for dinner with Calum, who turned out to not be shaken up by the news regarding Luke’s sexuality at all.   
            He was back home, now, and wanted to talk to Ashton about what had happened. Feldy had really knocked some sense into him. It wasn’t just the whole relativizing he had going on, but it was also his easy way of talking about topics like this. There was no shame in it, and nothing was a taboo around John. It made the singer realize that maybe it wasn’t as big of a no-go as he had made it out to be.

‘Ashton?’ Luke peaked his head around the door of Ashton’s bedroom. It was well into the evening, almost 11. Ashton was watching a show on Netflix, which wasn’t unusual for a Saturday night these days. He paused the TV.

‘Luke.’ He sat up straight. ‘Come in.’ The blond cautiously walked into the room, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

‘I wanna talk about what happened.’

‘Hoped so,’ grinned Ashton, but it wasn’t genuine. ‘Took you long enough.’ Luke’s eyes shot to the bedsheets like magnets. He chewed on his lip.

‘I just needed some time to think,’ he explained. ‘I was really angry, and you… you didn’t even say sorry? I don’t know, it didn’t sit right with me at all.’ Ashton sighed, then signed for the blond to make himself comfortable. Luke obeyed. It was very automatic.

‘I really am sorry,’ the drummer began. ‘I am. I don’t want you to think that I, by any means, am under the impression that what I did was okay.’

‘’s Just… I told you about it, out of… I don’t know, trust? It took everything I had to tell you, and you just spat it out like hot air, like it was nothing.’ He was really hurt, and he could see in Ashton’s eyes that he knew. ‘I know I shouldn’t have snapped at you like I did. You… You didn’t do a anything wrong. I’m sorry for that, but you… you had _no_ right to out me like that.’

‘I know that, and I’m so sorry, Luke, I really am.’ It sounded so painful, so _real_ , that Luke felt his heart swelling with love and warmth. Of course that didn’t mean he forgave him, not immediately, but it was a start. ‘I just… I just wanna know what I do wrong in your eyes. Why you run off on me like that. Back at the club, the other week, and last Wednesday. I don’t _want_ to hurt you. If you can just tell me what I keep doing wrong, what keeps making you run, I can watch my steps.’ Ashton’s eyes were filled with concern, and Luke _hated_ it.

‘You don’t need to watch your steps around me, Ashton, I don’t wanna be one of those people who you monitor everything you say and do around.’ It came out like a hiss, and he immediately regretted it, because that was obviously not what the man was on about.

‘That’s not what I mean,’ frowned the drummer. ‘You _know_ that that’s not what I mean. I’m just trying to understand you, Luke, because you’re being absolutely impossible to comprehend.’ He didn’t have to tell the singer that. He knew he was being impossible. ‘I just want to understand why it is that every time I kiss or flirt with somebody, you run off.’ It became a hundred times harder to breathe for Luke, then. Why did he ever think Ashton was stupid enough to not realize that that was when he got pissed? Did he even think that? Luke’s eyes were wide and his heart was nearly beating out of his chest. ‘Why, Luke? I just want to understand you, so I can do something about it.’

‘I…’ This felt an awful lot like a confrontation, almost like a solo intervention. He was put on the spot, and there was no way of escaping this. He had to make up an excuse. Why hadn’t he made up an excuse yet? He’d already opened his mouth. Help, _help_.

‘What’s wrong, Luke?’ Ashton looked so worried. It didn’t help. ‘I just want you to be okay again. I wanna do everything in my power to make you feel okay again. I messed up, I _know_ , but you have to let me in. Nothing will change if you don’t.’

‘I know. I know, Ash, I’m… I just get fed up with… I don’t know, _the world_ , when you flirt with people, or when you kiss them. I’m just really afraid of losing you again.’ He felt a tear roll down his cheek, but quickly wiped it away. The other ones he was able to keep in. ‘I know, I know,’ he chuckled half-heartedly. ‘It was my fault I lost you the first time, but I hated it.’ He was whimpering, now, and he felt pathetic. ‘I don’t want you to fall in love with somebody. I just… I can’t lose you.’ Ashton grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him in for a warm embrace. The blond went limp and started sobbing.

‘You won’t lose me, Luke,’ shushed the drummer, rubbing the other man’s back calmingly. Luke felt a whole lot like a boy right now. A small, small boy. ‘Love how you still fit perfectly in my arms like this. Reminds me of when we were teens and you were tiny. I miss those days, sometimes.’

‘Me too,’ sobbed the blond into his chest. He had been an emotional wreck all day, and for some reason he couldn’t stop the tears like he was usually able to.

‘I just want you to know that nobody will ever come between us again. No girl, no boy, _nobody_. We are a unit. Luke and Ashton. _Lashton_ , as some would say.’ That made the blond chuckle a little. He tried to get out of the man’s hold, but he pulled him closer instead. ‘Nope, ‘m never letting you go.’ Luke looked up with teary eyes and smiled. Ashton wasn’t a very physical person, so this meant a lot. ‘I love you, Luke, and I’m afraid of losing you too, sometimes. Maybe not so much to other people, although I’m starting to kinda dislike that Samuel guy you’ve been sleeping with.’ Luke pulled a face, but Ashton just grinned. ‘I’m afraid of losing you to yourself, sometimes. I know you don’t want me to worry about you, but I’m always concerned. When you’re out on the streets by yourself, but even when you’re popping a pill in the bathroom 10 feet away from me. All I want is for you to be okay again, that’s substantially all I want out of this life right now, so don’t you worry about ever losing me, okay? I’m not going anywhere.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and subscribe!


	9. London

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally so damn sorry for taking almost two months to update. Will 100% go much and much faster from now on. I had my finals and then I fell into a huge loop of travels, parties and social situations. I'm back, and I'm back with a juicy chapter.

On February 19th, Want You Back was announced, and Luke and Ashton tiptoed around each other. The blond was stressed out, smoking way more weed than he was supposed to, and the drummer was out there doing yoga and drinking kombucha like (what Luke thought was) a crazy person. The youngest of the band was mainly very nervous about interviews, right now. They were supposed to do rather simplistic promotion interviews in Los Angeles first, starting the 22nd, when the song would come out, which was getting awfully close now.

‘I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to get through tomorrow,’ Luke said Wednesday night. He was lying down on the couch, so exhausted from the nerves that his eyes fluttered about every minute. He was barely able to keep them open. Ashton was sitting on the other side of the couch, the blond’s feet in his lap as he watched a relatively disturbing documentary about the ocean’s mysteries. It was very random and Luke couldn’t keep his attention on it. The drummer looked to the side, a worried frown on his face.

‘Why?’ he asked, a sense of tranquility in his eyes.

‘I… I don’t know.’ Luke sat up straight and chewed on his lower lip. He massaged his temples. ‘I feel like it’s just gonna be like, _a lot_ , to have such a busy day. There’s a lot of interaction, tons of opportunities to embarrass yourself. It’s a fucking circus at those studios.’

‘What are you afraid of? You’re not going to embarrass yourself, you know that.’ He pulled him closer by the shoulder. ‘’s Gonna be okay Luke, I promise.’

‘Y- Yeah, okay.’ He rested his head on the drummer’s shoulder, so tired that he didn’t even hesitate. He yawned. Ashton chuckled, combing through the man’s blonde curls with his long fingers and keeping him close.

‘How about we get you into bed, yeah? Gotta get up early tomorrow.’  

‘Yeah.’ Ashton had to help Luke out of his jeans and he was asleep before he had taken off his T-shirt.

-

The next day was, as predicted, a giant circus. They got up way too early for Luke’s liking, so early that he debated quitting the band in that instant. When Ashton’s sleepy head peaked around the door of his bedroom, however, he found a spark of motivation and left his nest. They went to the iHeartMedia studios in Burbank, then, with a few crew member and the rest of the band. It was fine. They did Radio Disney  early in the morning, got through a few other interviews and had 102.7 KIIS-FM with JoJo Wright last, where they would be premiering Want You Back at 9 pm. Luke was quiet at the end of the last interview. He had dark circles under his eyes and his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls.

‘I think I’m gonna need a little more of this champagne,’ said Ashton when they walked out of the studio, glass of high priced champagne from JoJo’s show in their hands. ‘We really nailed today, guys. I’m proud of us.’ He took a royal sip.

‘Me too,’ said Michael. ‘’m Happy we still got it.’ They got into the car that was parked outside, and the driver welcomed them back.

‘You’re quiet,’ the drummer whispered at Luke. ‘You alright?’ Luke nodded.

‘I’m fine, just tired.’ It had been a very, very long day, and Luke really wanted to go to bed. Ashton wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

‘Hey, you can take a nap if you want. We’ll be in the car for about half an hour, if not longer. I’ll wake you up when we get home.’

‘No, it’s alright.’ Luke rubbed his eyes. ‘We’ll be home soon.’

‘Hey, do you guys wanna come back to my place to have some drinks?’ asked Calum. He sounded tired, but still enthusiastic. Michael was down, but Ashton looked at Luke.

‘I think L and I are gonna head home.’

‘I wanna go to sleep,’ said Luke, small eyes and a weak smile. ‘But you can go? I’ll be fine. Will probably be asleep as soon as I see my bed, anyway. Won’t be much fun.’

‘Nah, I wanna go home too.’

‘Alright. So, Mike?’

‘Absolutely. Let’s Postmate some food, too. I’m hungry.’ Luke smiled peacefully, happy that they didn’t care he wasn’t coming with. Traffic was quiet, and they were at Ashton’s house before any of them knew. They said goodbye to each other and got out of the car, splitting the band in half. It was cool inside, and Luke shivered.

‘I’m actually gonna head to bed right away, alright? I’ll, eh, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Sure, goodnight. Call me if you need anything.’

‘Call you? We’re in-’

‘I mean yell at me, call my name. I mean you could also call me on the phone, spare your voice, but yelling will work too. I’m gonna have a glass of wine and read for a bit. See you tomorrow, Lukey.’ The blond smiled, waved awkwardly and made his way up the stairs. Once in his bedroom, sleep washed over him like a tsunami, and as predicted, he was gone before he could even properly take off his clothes.

-

The days from there were rather similar. The boys promoted their new song and album at an abundance of media outlets all across the United States and Luke was _fine_ , honestly, but it was a struggle to get up every morning. Ashton pulled him through it, like he always did, giving him motivational speeches and making him breakfast, even when he said he didn’t want to eat. He made stupid jokes and they for some reason cracked Luke up every time. God, what a daddy.

The 1st of March, they flew to London to attend the Global Awards.

‘You look so good,’ said Ashton when they were in their car outside of the Eventim Apollo. Luke cheeks flushed pink and he smiled timidly.

‘Thanks, you too.’ And it was so true. Ashton in a suit made Luke think strange thoughts. Well, not strange thoughts, bad thoughts. Sexual thoughts. Luke was wearing leather pants, which was a pretty risky choice for a red carpet, but he thought he looked really good in it. ‘Are we ready? We’re _so_ late. I mean, we’re literally gonna be the last ones to walk the red carpet.’

‘I know, but we’re good. We were scheduled pretty late anyways.’ Michael rubbed his temples. There had been a slight inconvenience, as Michael had gotten into a pretty steamy fight with Crystal over the phone. It was all good, now, so he was happy and all, but they were still kind of late because of it. ‘Let’s go, yeah?’

The event was pretty great. They all had a lot of fun and Michael and Luke got to present the best pop award, which they both thought was both a big deal and a super funny deal. When they were done presenting the award and the whole thing was over, they went back to their hotel and had some drinks at the bar in the lobby.

‘Remember when we used to live in London?’ Calum chuckled.

‘Ha! Of course we remember,’ Michael fell in. ‘We were so young, but so happy. I really wish we could relive those times, sometimes.’

‘We had no money, though,’ chuckled Luke. ‘Wouldn’t wanna relive _that_ , if I’m honest. God, I had like twelve and a half bucks to my name when we got here.’

‘Same.’

’10/10 would skip that part, too, if we ever got to relive London,’ grinned Ashton. ‘I don’t wanna sound like a complete asshole, but I love having money.’

‘Me too,’ sighed Calum, sipping from his vodka soda. ‘Money is good.’

‘How’ve you been, Luke?’ asked Michael. ‘I feel like I haven’t talked to you, like, _really_ talked to you, in a strangely long time.’ The blond frowned and chuckled before taking a sip of his GT.

‘I’ve been alright,’ he grinned. ‘been getting by. Things have been pretty crazy for all of us, I guess. ‘s Just been sort of outing itself in pure exhaustion on my part.’ Michael nodded, understandingly. ‘Are you feeling better, after the whole Crystal thing? What happened, anyway?’ The singer honestly just really wanted to cause a shift of attention. All eyes on him was only his favorite thing in the world when he was on stage, doing his job. In any other situation, he wasn’t a fan.

‘It was nothing,’ muttered Michael. ‘I honestly think the realization of me going on tour is hitting her. ‘s Not gonna be an easy time for us.’

‘You’re flying her out, right?’

‘Of course I’m flying her out,’ scoffed the guitarist. ‘It’s just not the same. I think I’ll miss our house, too, and the dogs and shit. I haven’t been away from home for a longer period of time for quite a while. ‘s All new again.’

‘I know, I think I’m gonna miss LA,’ said Ashton. They were all still in their suits, and Luke wouldn’t complain going upstairs to his hotel room in a bit. The leather was very pretty, but also anything but comfortable. He felt the fabric stick to his legs and it felt a little moist.

‘I’m gonna be so fucking happy to be out of LA for a bit,’ grinned the blond. The alcohol was getting to his head a little, rushing through his blood.

‘Really?’ There was a prominent frown on the drummer’s face, and he put his drink down. ‘Would think you’d miss it, too.’

‘Why?’ Luke’s face stretched out in an indignant manner and his answer was short and bity. Ashton sounded accusative and the blond couldn’t appreciate it.

‘No, I mean, you’re right; everything that’s in LA is replaceable. I bet there’s plenty of Samuel lookalikes in Europe.’

‘Jesus, really? Why would you say that?’ Luke’s heart was beating in his chest. He hadn’t expected Ashton to mention him, especially not this out of the blue. Sure, Luke had thought about it, too. He was he only one the singer was seeing for sex, at the moment, and he didn’t really want to miss that, but he hadn’t seen it as an actual problem, per se. Why, in God’s name, had Ashton thought about it? Luke pulled himself together. ‘The only thing I’m gonna miss about LA is my bed and our house. And maybe the weed, but I think we can make that work in Europe, too.’ He sounded slightly snarky, but calm overall. He looked the drummer in the eyes. ‘Everything I really care about in  LA is coming with me on the road.’ He threw back the remainder of his drink. ‘’m Gonna call it a night. Michael, we fucking nailed it today, all of us did.’ He chuckled. ‘Goodnight.’ He walked up the stairs, which took much longer than anticipated. He found out too late that he should have taken the elevator, though, and arrived at his hotel room soon enough.

He took a shower and looked himself in the mirror for a long time before going to bed. He, without wanting to, let his mind drift to Ashton. The tone in the drummer’s voice had sounded so strange and unfamiliar, and Luke couldn’t put his finger on it. It almost sounded _jealous_. The blond fantasized about Ashton being jealous of Samuel, and showing him who he belonged to. It made his dick grow in his boxers. He touched himself and started jerking off, thinking about Ashton’s soft lips, his mouth, his tongue, and then his long fingers. Those long fingers. He remembered Samuel fingering him, and how good that had felt. Could he do that himself? He put his index and middle finger in his mouth and made them drip with saliva before prodding himself with his digits.  
            Fingering himself was more uncomfortable than having Samuel do it to him and it was really frustrating, because he just couldn’t reach or find his prostate. He cursed his small fingers and pulled them out, discouraged. His erection had gone down, too, and he let out a deep groan. He heard a knock on his door.

‘Just a second!’ he yelled, panic lacing his voice. He quickly put his boxers back on, washed his hands and opened the door, shielding himself with the painted wood. ‘Oh, ‘s you.’ It was Ashton, and he barged into the room.

‘Were you jerking off in here or something?’ he snickered, seeing the bedsheets half on the ground. Luke followed the drummer’s eyes to the bed. The matrass cover had a wet spot in it. It was just saliva, but still.

‘Eh… Or something. Didn’t work out, though, don’t worry ‘bout the sheets being filthy.’ The older man pulled a bottle of cider from the minibar, straightened the sheets and took a seat.

‘Didn’t work out, huh? What’s wrong, erectile dysfunction?’ His mouth was against the bottle. Luke rolled his eyes and shook his head. He grabbed a bottle for himself, too, and took a swig. He sat down on the bed next to the drummer.

‘Why’d you have to say that, at the bar?’ murmured Luke.

‘Sorry.’ Ashton sighed. ‘I keep saying “oh, I shouldn’t have done that” and I wanna get to a point where I, well, don’t have to say that anymore. But for now I’m sorry. I get jealous.’

‘Jealous?’ Luke frowned.

‘Yeah, y’know, you hanging out with other people.’ Ashton took another sip, and Luke felt him staring at him, but didn’t look up from his hands in his lap.

‘Right.’

‘Yeah, ‘m sorry. You know what it was, down at the bar?’ Luke shook his head. ‘You’ve been telling me about how worried you are about  going on tour, about not sleeping in your own bed. A new environment, stuff like that.’ He chewed his lower lip. ‘Part of me just kind of thought that maybe you were most worried about not being able to see Samuel anymore. That you, y’know, are developing feelings for him.’

‘Ash, I’ve slept with him twice. I only had actual sex with him once. I don’t have feelings for him, at all. I mean I-’

‘What do you mean you’ve only had sex with him once? What about that time after the strip club? When we got into that fight.’ Luke’s cheeks turned pink.

‘Well, we did other things.’

‘Other things?’

‘ _Ash_.’ Luke shook his head, an embarrassed look on his face, as if to say “drop it”.

‘Luke, I’m just trying to get to know you again. Other parts of your life. We didn’t talk about your sex life when you were with Arzaylea and we haven’t talked about it after. This is the first time I actually get to hear about your sexual escapades. I wanna hear you out.’

‘Why? I… I mean, I don’t wanna hear you out, either.’

‘You’re not interested in my sex life?’ Luke bit his lip. That wasn’t it. He was interested in it, but the idea of Ashton having sex with people made him nauseous. He was so gone for this man. Sharing him with anybody sounded like a nightmare.

‘I… That’s not it. I don’t know, I just think it’s kinda weird.’ He smiled slightly. ‘Also, this isn’t really the first thing you know about my sex life.’ He was feeling brave, throwing back some more cider.

‘I think it is, actually.’

‘No, there’s one other thing. I mean, you know about the first person I had a sexual experience with. I don’t know about yours.’ Ashton smiled like a kid and looked up.

‘Oh, right, _that_.’ There was a sparkle in his eyes and some nerves on his face. A laugh escaped from his mouth. ‘Will always be very proud to admit that I was your first.’

‘You weren’t my _first_ ,’ giggled the blond. ‘And you better don’t admit that to anyone.’ Ashton shuffled closer to Luke.

‘We never really talked about that grand opening of your sex life,’ grinned the drummer. ‘I mean, up to after Sierra’s birthday.’ 

‘That was quite the night.’ 

‘Yeah, it was a night full of confessions.’ Luke nodded, reminiscing that Sunday night. ‘Hey, that time five years ago, huh? That was in London.’

‘I guess that’s what London does to us.’ The singer stared at the wall. ‘It makes us act on our deepest desires.’

‘Was that your deepest desire at the time?’

‘Yeah, yours?’ Honestly, it was _still_ his deepest desire.

‘Oh, definitely.’ It was silent for a while, until Luke opened his mouth with a shaky breath.

‘What’s your deepest desire right now?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg Luke what


	10. trophy boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I'd be quick with the updates.

‘My deepest desire?’ Ashton’s eyes were all over the place, it seemed. ‘I… I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, actually, and I don’t know. I just don’t. I have no idea what I want, what I _desire_.’ There was a knot in Luke’s stomach and it seemed to tighten with every word the drummer spoke. Luke knew so intensely well what he wanted, especially in that moment. He wanted Ashton, _needed_ Ashton. Knowing for sure that that definite feeling wasn’t mutual killed a part of him. The sparkle in his eyes disappeared, and he scraped his throat.

‘I wanna go to sleep, now,’ he whispered.

‘Now? I thought we were-’

‘Yeah, now, sorry. I just… I need to be alone for a bit. ‘s Been a long day.’ _And you keep hurting me, I need you to leave my room_. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, okay? I think we’ll have breakfast together.’ Ashton stood up and walked to the door.

‘Sorry, if it’s something I said.’ Luke nodded, biting his lip. He didn’t look up at the man. ‘Goodnight Luke.’ He left the hotel room and the moment the blond heard the door close, he burst out in tears. It all seemed so unfair. What had he done wrong? What had he done to deserve this? A feeling of complete rejection and loneliness spread through his body and he felt it in the pit of his stomach. It was like a demon was trying to claw its way out of there, spreading negativity and a dark, smoky cloud of despair through Luke’s body. He bawled his eyes out, feeling like he was losing it. He lay awake for a good chunk of the night, not being able to catch sleep, no matter how tired he was. When he eventually did doze off it was almost morning. His dreams were shitty and his sleep restless.

-

‘Why would she do that?’

‘I… I don’t know. Where did she get it in the first place?’

‘I don’t fucking know, why are you looking at me?’

‘Goddammit I don’t know! People don’t even… The fans aren’t sure. They can’t be sure.’

It was a mess. They were all in the London headquarters of their management, down at Fulham, and the whole meeting was a circus. Arzaylea had apparently leaked a preview of Meet You There, one of the songs on the new album, in her Instagram story. It was a demo version, and it didn’t sound much like the finished song, but it was still a very shitty thing to do. Everybody was attacking Luke for it, but he had nothing the do with the whole ordeal. He hadn’t spoken to her in months, no matter how hard that was.

‘Guys, this is supposed to be a great day! The tickets for 5SOS3 are selling like hotcakes!’ Fortunately, one of the management’s employees, Mel, was still feeling optimistic about today, and she broke the hunt on Luke with her words. Her accent was British and it sounded like honey. Luke was thankful for her speech. ‘It’s obviously very unfortunate that Arzaylea decided to do this, and we will try our best to get to the bottom of how she received this demo.’ She looked around the room, eyes stern. ‘I don’t want you to worry about this. I need you to stop whining and get ready for MTV. All of you. Stop being “little bitches”, as the kids say. It’s happened: _move on_.’

-

‘Luke, I’m really, really sorry for assuming that you had anything to do with the whole Arzaylea thing,’ Ashton sighed when they were on their way to the studio where they would be doing an interview at 3 pm. ‘I was just kinda pissed. Wasn’t your fault.’

‘Yeah, Luke, I’m sorry too,’ Michael joined in, followed by a heartfelt apology from Calum. ‘We shouldn’t have done that.’

‘Yeah, that was really shitty,’ Calum agreed.

‘’s Okay, guys, I’m pissed too.’ Luke sighed deeply and looked at his bandmates. ‘But I haven’t talked to her in _months_. I honestly have no idea where she even got that audio.’

‘Don’t worry ‘bout it, Michael was right when he said that the fans don’t even know. I saw on Twitter that they thought it was a different band.’ Ashton placed a comforting hand on Luke’s thigh, and the blond’s first instinct was to swat it away, but after seeing the genuinely sorry look in the drummer’s eyes, his features softened, too.

‘I literally saw somebody suggesting Shawn Mendes,’ laughed Calum. ‘I think we’re good. Once again, sorry Luke. We shouldn’t let it bother us. It’s nothing.’ He went back to talking to Michael. Luke had noticed a lot of changes in Calum’s behavior since they were in London, which had only been about a day and a half. He had Michael’s full attention, and Luke thought that that was something he had probably missed a lot. Back in LA, there was always a part of Michael’s mind that drifted to Crystal. Here, though, things seemed different, and the bassist seemed happier.

‘You didn’t sleep well, did you?’ Ashton asked the blond, and Luke shook his head. ‘Your dark circles are out of control.’

‘Why, thank you,’ scoffed the singer, but he chuckled at it a little. ‘I know.’  He licked his lips. ‘Wasn’t a good night, no. How about you? Sleep well?’

‘Not really.’ He looked Luke in the eyes. ‘I was really worried about you, last night. Why did you want me to leave so suddenly? We were in the middle of a conversation.’

‘Sorry, yeah, sorry for kicking you out.’ The blond rubbed his eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to worry you. I just had a bit too much to drink and it just kinda hit me right there and then.’ He swallowed the lump in his throat. ‘Just needed to be alone for a bit, I guess.’

‘Oh, yeah, that happens,’ Ashton nodded. He didn’t look particularly convinced, however. ‘I guess it had been a very long day with a lot of interaction, so that makes sense.’ He grabbed Luke’s bicep. ‘Luke?’ The blond hummed, looking at the man. ‘Are we okay?’ The singer let out a shaky breath and nodded.

‘Yeah, we’re good, Ash.’ He put his head on the drummer’s shoulder and let him play with his curls for the remainder of the ride.

-

They had an interesting interview with an MTV UK reporter called James Barr on Facebook live. Luke noticed Calum and Michael giggling a lot in the background and the latter, who stood behind his chair, occasionally touching the back of his leather jacket in a comforting manner, as if to say “I’m sorry, again, for being rude back at the office”, because all of them really had been, and for no good reason. Ashton gave snarky answers and Luke couldn’t help but just let the weight of the world be lifted off of his shoulders by the sound of the drummer’s voice, and especially his laugh. Ashton was so good at speaking. The lead singer had butterflies in his stomach.

He really, really wanted to change the way he felt about his bandmate. If he could just turn off his feelings, all of his feelings, he would. Living so close to this person he was gone for was torture. He wanted to escape it, really badly. Constantly fighting with Ashton about things the drummer didn’t even know he was doing wrong was something that couldn’t go on for much longer. Ashton would catch up, sooner or later, and Luke wanted to avoid that at all costs. Part of him thought that touring and being busy working on other things would take his mind off, but that part of him forgot that Ashton was his coworker, his bandmate, somebody that was pretty much _always_ around. How was he ever going to be able to send his mind to a different place if there was no escaping him?

-

That night, they celebrated the launch of their tour with a few drinks and the next day they roamed around London, not having anything scheduled. It was all fine, and Luke did his utter best to ignore everything his mind and body was screaming at him. He hung around with Michael more and Ashton went to Calum. They didn’t always have to do everything as a band. Ashton loved taking pictures of Luke, though, and therefore always needed him to model for him. Why couldn’t he just pick Michael of Calum, you ask?

“Because you’re my trophy boy, Luke, come on and pose for me.”

The next day, they did an interview on Sunday Brunch, and Michael and Calum cooked whilst Luke and Ashton sat on the sidelines watching. Luke was extremely tired, because this was way too early for him, so he was thankful he didn’t have to cook. It was alright, overall, but also kind of strange. Ashton threw a completely out of context “we started touring when Luke was young” in the beginning, which made the blond frown, because, well: was that a personal attack? The interviewer also ended up asking about Los Angeles, and what it was like living there, for a band like 5 Seconds of Summer, which made Luke feel icky. Ashton responded to almost everything, Luke and Michael got some words in, and Calum said _nothing_. He didn’t speak a single word during the whole thing. Luke sometimes worried about him a little. He knew the man was just soft spoken and a little shy, but sometimes he was really scared that Calum felt uncomfortable, that he really just didn’t want to be there.

Monday, it was honestly just a bunch of traveling. They ended up seeing four cities in 24 hours, which was crazy, even for them, and were back in Los Angeles late in the night.

-

‘He can be such an asshole,’ hissed Luke, his hair sticking against his sweaty forehead as he rode Samuel’s dick on the bed. Between squeaks, moans and pants he was constantly complaining about Ashton. ‘I honestly really wanted to fuck him, right there and then, so I asked him something stupid like “what’s your deepest desire” and – ah, fuck, Sam, right there.’ Samuel thrusted upwards as Luke eclectically bounced up and down. ‘I really wanted to show him what you’ve taught me, but he fucking said he wasn’t sure what he wanted. What a jerk.’ Samuel pulled out, turned the blond onto his back with all the ease in the world, and pushed himself back into him. He put his large palm on Luke’s mouth, which made the younger let out a muffled sound.

‘You need to really stop talking,’ chuckled Samuel, fucking the singer hard. He removed his hand from the man’s mouth and attacked his neck, which made Luke moan loudly. ‘You’re adorable when you moan for me.’ He kissed the blond’s face. ‘Fucking moan for daddy, baby boy.’ And he hit, obeying with no second thought. The man hit his prostate over and over, relentlessly, and Luke was a _mess_. ‘Who’s a good boy for daddy, now? All quiet just because I told you so.’ The blond was afraid he’d never find this satisfaction with a woman ever again. His insides were burning, but they were burning so good.

‘I love it when you talk like that,’ groaned the blond.

‘Yeah? Pretty boy likes dirty talk?’ Luke nodded, an innocent sparkle in his baby blues. He thought about Ashton calling him a trophy boy. Did he think he was pretty? Was that why he was always taking pictures of him? Luke wasn’t much of a photographer himself, but if he was, he would constantly be all over the drummer.

‘Don’t stop,’ hissed Luke when he felt the man slowing his movements down. ‘I’m gonna come soon.’ Samuel picked up the pace again, sucking on the skin of the younger’s neck and chewing on his lower lip. The blond felt the man _everywhere_ , and he couldn’t get enough. His nails scratched the man’s back and the singer panted like a bitch in heat. The feeling of Samuel reaching his high, filling up the rubber, sent him over the edge too. His stomach was left a hot, sticky mess.

‘I’m gonna fucking hate the time you’re on tour so much,’ muttered Samuel, cleaning up the mess with a towel. ‘Won’t be able to fuck that tight little ass for so long.’

‘Yeah.’ Luke’s eyes were glassy and he felt fucked out. ‘’s Gonna be a tough time.’ The man lay down next to the singer, putting the blond’s head down onto his chest. They stared at the ceiling.

‘Have you, y’know, figured out what out what you’re gonna do about the Ashton situation?’ Samuel asked after a few minutes of silence. ‘Like, are you, I don’t know, telling him?’

‘Am I telling him what?’ Luke shifted, trying to find Samuel’s eyes, but he couldn’t quite see them.

‘That you’re in love with him.’ The blond sighed and rubbed his eyes.

‘I don’t think so. I mean, it could fuck up my entire career. It could literally fuck up 5SOS forever. I don’t want that blood on my hands.’ The feeling of Samuel’s chest rising and falling with every breath he took was calming under Luke’s head. ‘I just really, really hope I’ll be able to hide my feelings until this whole “being in love” thing is over. It’s nothing permanent. I mean, it doesn’t have to be.’ Luke felt the man’s hands playing with his hair. It was very soothing.

‘When I was eighteen, I fell in love for the first time. Being eighteen isn’t that long ago for you, but for me it feels like a whole life back.’ He chuckled lightly. ‘God, I’m turning thirty this year, the big 3-0, I’m _old_.’

‘Shut up, you’re not _old_.’ Luke turned his body, so he was spooning the side of the man’s body, his head still on his chest. ‘What happened? With the whole falling  in love thing, I mean.’

‘I kept it in for a really long time, because I was with him every day, we were in the same class, played basketball on the same team, everything. We were really close friends. I felt like I really couldn’t tell him, that it would ruin everything for me. Keeping it in, though, ruined _me_ ,’ emphasized the man. ‘But Luke, emotions show, that’s something you just can’t turn off. I acted really weird around him, and he noticed. I’m sure Ashton’s noticing your change in behavior, too.’ Luke chewed his lower lip. Ashton had mentioned it many times, that he thought the singer was acting strangely around him. ‘So, one night, there was a party. Bear in mind that I was nineteen at the time, and I had no idea how to hold my liquor. I was super drunk, and he was, too. I still remember this, though, unfortunately.’ He made a sound, as if he was mocking himself. ‘We got into a fight, like, a really bad and dramatic fight, and at some point he pointed out that I’d been a distant asshole lately, which I can heartily confirm, looking back at it, and I  told him that it was all his fault, and then I punched him in the face so hard that I broke his nose. We stopped being friends after that.’ Luke frowned at the quick turn of that  story.

‘That’s… That’s, like, a lot?’ That made Samuel laugh.

‘I know, it’s a lot.’ He touched the singer’s collar bone softly, which felt like an awfully sweet gesture. ‘Moral of the story, though, is that you need to be really careful with your actions. Being in love can be beautiful, it really can be, but it can also drive you to do things that you would normally never even think about. Really stupid things, really bad things, everything. I just need you to carefully consider whether or not keeping it a secret for Ashton is worth the risk of snapping at him, the person you love most.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how Samuel and Luke just chill and talk about Luke's feelings for somebody else right after they're finished fucking. It's very me.


	11. closer

The first flash had been blinding, but after a few takes, Luke had gotten used to it. He had been lying on the floor in the studio, chilling while Michael was recording one of his last guitar solos for the album. He was really bored. Calum had fallen asleep on the ground in the corner and Ashton was taking pictures of everything, as always. He’d already bombarded Michael with a whole shoot when Calum was recording and now that that the bassist was sleeping and the guitarist was busy, Ashton quickly took a liking of Luke on the pretty carpet.

‘That’s it, what a face,’ chuckled Ashton in the way that  _only_   he could chuckle, the chuckle that was almost like a giggle; you know the one. It always made Luke’s heart skip a beat. ‘This carpet is really doing it for me right now. Look up at the ceiling.’ The blond followed all the orders the man gave him, until he got bored. He rolled onto his side.

‘Ash,’ he whined. ‘I fucking hate waiting. Just let me play the damn songs.’ And his face was lit up again by a camera flash. Ashton was sitting on the ground too, now, looking at the screen of his phone. He looked up, a sparkle in his eyes.

‘I’m putting this up on the band’s Instagram,’ he noted. ‘You look so good.’ He started diligently editing pictures on his phone, which made Luke chuckle a little.

‘Since when are you so into taking pictures, anyways?’ He leant on his elbows. ‘You seem to be constantly  in my face with that fucking flash ‘a yours.’ Ashton smirked, not looking up from his phone screen.

‘I don’t know, it just kind of started, I guess.’ It was half past 4, now, and Luke was getting really impatient. He knew that, when Michael finished, Ashton would be up next. They probably wouldn’t even be in the studio anymore when Luke finished the recording. It could take a while. Luke had the guitar _and_ some of the vocals that needed a little change, which was quite a lot of work. The rest of the vocals were all finished. From here on, it was all editing. That was great, because in a little more than a week they’d be leaving for 5SOS3 and flying out to Sweden. On top of that, their team had just let them know that they were almost finished editing the new Want You Back video that would be coming out 27 th. It had been a while since they had filmed it and it had been done in a super short amount of time, so Luke had almost forgotten it existed in its entirety. Things were really happening now. These were the finishing touches to the album.

‘Done!’ Michael came out of recording, looking quite dead, and walked straight to the snacks and drinks table in the corner. It had a booth, and he sat down immediately. ‘Your turn, Ash. ‘m So happy this is over now. I just really fucking couldn’t get one of the accords right and it was stressing me out. Finally got it, though. Good luck in there.’

‘Thanks,’ snorted Ashton. ‘I posted some pics on the band’s Insta. Also sent them to you in the group text, if any of you wanna use them for, I don’t know, whatever.’ He walked into the studio and Luke could see him fist bumping one of the audio guys. He grinned.

‘I’m gonna get going, if that’s alright with you,’ noted Michael, staring at his phone screen. ‘I have a bunch of shit that I need to take care of.’

‘Yeah, sure, I’ll be fine on my own,’ whined the blond. His bandmate sent him a glare before leaving. Luke really didn’t care that much. He played on his phone for a bit, posting the picture of himself lying on his side on Instagram. “ _just let me play the damn songs_ ” seemed like quite the fitting caption, as he was bored out of his mind.   
            It really sucked that they couldn’t just do the touring part, the entertaining part, and leave the rest out. Being in a popular band meant so much more than performing, unfortunately. Luke was obviously very young when their band formed and skyrocketed into fame. At first it was all fun and games, and they didn’t really have to take care of much. Things were different now. The responsibilities seemed to pile up like dirty laundry during a busy week. He had kind of forgotten about it, too, when they were on their break. By “break” he meant a few months of vacation after endless touring followed by a whole lot of songwriting and experimenting with their music. The whole hard working and being drilled into becoming a prototype celebrity had for some reason been very absent from his mind. It all had to grow on him again, now.

He got an incoming phone call from Samuel about a half hour into Ashton’s recording session. After debating whether or not to pick up for several seconds, he eventually decided to click the green button and held up the phone to his ear.

‘Hello?’

 _‘Hey Luke, it’s Sam!’_ Which, yes, the blond that it was Sam. That was what caller ID was for. _‘How are you?’_ Luke was kind of confused. He never really called at – he looked down at his watch – 5 pm. Thus far it had been calls, or usually even texts, late at night, and they had almost exclusively been booty calls.

‘Eh, yeah, I’m good,’ doubted the singer. ‘You?’

 _‘Good too. So, I’m gonna be straight-forward with you and ask you if you wanna come join me to a party tonight?’_ Luke’s eyes widened and he frowned.

‘A party? Like, who… what…’ It made Samuel laugh.

 _‘My friend Jonathan, he’s turning thirty tomorrow,’_ he explained. _‘He lives in the Hills, which, eh, I never really asked but I think you and Ash live in the Hills too?’_

‘Yeah, yeah, we live, eh… We live pretty close to Runyon.’

_‘Oh, great! He lives right from Briar Summit on Mulholland.’_

‘Those are quite some houses, down on Mulholland.’

 _‘Yeah, it’s quite a villa, and in a really, really nice place.’_ It was quiet for a while. _‘Eh, so, yeah, I was wondering if you’d come tonight. I mean, you can bring your friends if you want. Could also just go with me. All up to you.’_

‘Are there gonna be, eh, like… people with, eh…’

_‘What? Famous people?’_

‘Yeah.’

‘ _I’m sure there will be some A-listers, yeah. You’ve been a pretty hot topic lately as well, so that’ll be a nice addition to the guest list.’_ Luke wasn’t sure why he even asked. This Jonathan dude was barely thirty and he already lived in one of the most expensive neighborhoods of California in its entirety. Of course there were going to be celebrities. _‘It’ll be pretty intimate, though, don’t worry. There won’t be a lot of people. Jonah likes to keep things small.’_

‘I… I don’t know.’ And in that moment Ashton emerged from the recording booth and walked up Luke, who was sitting on the ground, back against the wall and legs pulled up against his chest.

‘Damn I’m happy I play the drums.’ He was slightly sweaty. ‘Who are you calling?’ He slid down the wall, sitting down next to the lead singer.

‘Eh, it’s, eh, it’s Sam.’

 _‘Everything okay there, Luke?’_ he heard come out of the phone.

‘Yeah, ‘m good,’ he reassured. ‘Ashton just joined me, that’s all.’

_‘Oh, maybe he would like to join tonight?’_

‘Join what?’ Ashton asked, hearing the man speak. Luke’s cheeks turned absolutely crimson right then. The drummer was frowning. What made Samuel think that it was, in any way whatsoever, a good idea to invite _fucking_ Ashton to this party. Luke was in love with Ashton. Luke was fucking Samuel. Samuel knew about Luke loving Ashton. Ashton knew Samuel was fucking Luke. How – in – the – hell was it an even remotely good idea to put those two guys in a room together?

‘Oh, y’know,’ Luke started off, scratching himself behind the ear. ‘Just this party of one Sam’s friends. He’s turning thirty tonight, I mean, tomorrow, or… I mean, I guess tonight.’

‘Sounds like fun, I’ll join. Put him on speakerphone, will you?’ And Luke did, finding himself in a very strange situation. A situation that he wouldn’t have guessed he’d ever be in. ‘Hey Sam, Ash here. ‘ve Heard a lot about you.’ He winked at Luke, which the younger man didn’t receive as playfully as it was intended. It made his stomach turn. Ashton probably thought the blond liked Samuel.

 _‘Only good things, I hope?’_ Samuel tossed. _‘I’ve heard a lot about you as well. So, you wanna join us tonight? I mean, I guess Luke technically hasn’t really said yes yet, so, do you wanna join_ me _?’_

‘No, no, I’ll come with,’ said Luke, quickly. The idea of the two men in the same room together _without him_ seemed like an even worse idea, if that was possible.

‘I’m in,’ nodded Ashton, patting Luke on the shoulder.

 _‘Great! I’ll text you the address, Luke. You’re welcome around 8!’_ Luke wanted to fucking die.

-

Luke still wanted to fucking die a few hours later when he was done recording and fresh out of the shower.

‘I don’t wanna stay too long, okay?’ said Luke when they got into the Uber to go to the party. ‘We have a gig tomorrow, what are we even doing?’ He rubbed his temples.

‘Relax, pretty boy,’ Ashton grinned beside him. ‘It’ll be fine. That show is at 7 pm, we have plenty of time to get our shit together. Also, ‘s kind of a problem for tomorrow. Now I really wanna focus on messing with you in front of the guy that’s fucking you.’

‘No, Ash…’ The blond sighed deeply. He should’ve cancelled the whole thing. ‘Can you… Can you please just, like, not mention it?’ He bit his lip, thinking of an excuse. ‘I mean, there’s probably gonna be plenty of people there. I don’t need you outing me, _again_.’ Ashton’s smile fell.

‘Yeah, I mean, obviously I won’t actually do that. I’m just messing with you, Luke, y’know, like we always used to? The whole “nobody hates Luke Hemmings more than 5SOS” thing, that was, you know, the old us. I miss that.’

‘Well, the whole “nobody hates 5SOS more than Luke Hemmings” thing is over, too, so I… I hope the feeling is mutual.’ The rest of the ride was quiet and tense. It fortunately didn’t take too long for them to get to the house. It was really big and there was a large pool in the center of the yard. It had an amazing view of Briar Summit, Samuel hadn’t been lying about that. It was, however, a little less intimate than what Luke had assumed from the man’s description. There were between thirty and forty people there, which wasn’t necessarily bad, but it also wasn’t quite “intimate”.

‘I’m so happy you came!’ When Samuel wrapped his big arms around him, he once again felt like a little boy. He looked really good, had a bit more of a beard than the last time Luke had seen him (3 days ago when they had just gotten back from the UK and visiting 4 cities in 24 hours). Luke wondered what pulled him through all of this. He was really tired, but there was something keeping him on his feet. The man smelled really good and the blond took a second to insane his masculine odor before crawling out of his embrace.

‘Hey Samuel,’ grinned Ashton. ‘’s good to see you again, has really been a while, hasn’t it?’

‘Yeah mate, I’m really happy you came, the two of you.’ He looked around. ‘I’m gonna see if I can find Jonathan somewhere. Don’t move!’ And he was off to fetch the birthday boy.

‘He does look really good,’ chuckled the drummer under his breath, bumping his shoulder into Luke’s. The blond bumped back. They just looked at the crowd of people in front of them, standing shoulder to shoulder, not sparing each other a glance.

‘Ashton, stop it.’ He made a face.

 ‘Just saying that I don’t blame you.’

‘Well, you have no reason to blame me for anything, so that’s good.’ Samuel came back with a man with a square jaw and bushes of eyebrows that Luke was just dying to pluck. Luke wasn’t mad at the way he dressed in a white button-up and dress shoes and his eyes were also a pretty, dark color of brown that almost seemed red in a way.

‘Jonathan, this is Luke, this is Ashton, guys, this is Jonathan Wilson.’

‘Very nice to meet you,’ began the lead singer. ‘and happy birthday! Thirty sounds like a, eh, a really good age to be.’ What did he say that? That was weird. Ashton said hi as well and they gifted him a bottle of champagne that they had picked up on the way home from the studio. Showing up empty-handed seemed rude, but they also had no idea who this guy was and what he liked, so alcohol seemed like the safe bet.

‘What do you guys want to drink? There’s a bar inside.’ Ashton and Luke looked at each other with way too enthusiastic eyes and laughed before making their way inside. ‘I pretty much have whatever you want, probably. I thought of everybody’s needs.’

‘I’ll have a gin tonic, please,’ smiled Luke.

‘Do you have scotch?’

‘Of course!’ Jonathan let Ashton pick out a fine, very expensive and old looking scotch and was then on his way to his other guests. Samuel came back to them and sat down on the sofa.

‘Come on guys, have a seat, make yourselves at home.’ So they did, timidly following orders. Even after all the LA parties they had attended, it was still weird being in somebody’s house they had just met. Luke sipped from his drink. Alcohol was the only thing he could really rely on right now.

‘So, Sam,’ began Ashton, and the blond almost spat out his drink. ‘How’s life? We’ve met like a few times before, but I don’t think I ever really got to talk to you.’ He sipped his scotch. ‘I mean, I didn’t think Luke had either, but you seem to be pretty close. I mean, would you say so? Close?’

‘Eh…’ Samuel’s face scrunched up in a “hold on, I’m thinking” type of way. ‘I guess you could say so, yeah. Right, Luke? We’ve become pretty close.’ He shrugged. ‘Obviously not super close. We haven’t really known each other for long, but Luke does like to come to me to complain and that’s a surprisingly good way of connecting people.’ He chuckled, and Ashton did too. Luke didn’t.

‘There’s obviously some other connecting going on between you two as well.’

‘Ashton,’ Luke warned. ‘Don’t.’

‘It’s alright, Luke, just a conversation between bros.’

‘You just met.’

‘Luke,’ sighed the drummer.

‘Ashton, no, I don’t want you to talk like this. _Stop_.’ Luke was getting a little fired up and it made Ashton frown, but he did stop. The blond decided to quickly change the subject. ‘So we just got back from London,’ he mentioned, a forced smile around his lips.

‘Oh, yeah, great. You did tell me about that.’ Samuel seemed a bit on edge as well. ‘How were the Global Awards? I wanted to watch it, but I got busy. I did catch your interview on BBC Radio 1 with Grimmy. That was quite something.’

‘You listened to that?’ Ashton grinned.

‘I just saw a snippet of it on YouTube, it was like, I don’t know, if you were a chair who would you want to sit on you, something like that.’ Samuel shrugged. ‘That was interesting.’

‘Yeah, Nick is always quite the party,’ chuckled Luke. ‘Global Awards were good. I got to call Rita Ora on stage with Mike. That was cool.’ He had already told Samuel that, but Ashton didn’t know he had been at the man’s house.

‘Oh, yeah, that sounds cool.’ The man caught on, fortunately. It was quiet for a while, then. ‘I’m gonna get another drink and talk to some other friends, alright?’

‘Yeah, sure.’

‘Of course, catch you later.’ Ashton and Luke sat next to each other on the soft couch, then, staring at their hands in their laps. People were talking outside and there was music with a strong bass that seemed to move the entire hardwood floor beneath their feet.

‘I’m gonna get another drink,’ noted the blond before quickly standing up. Ashton followed suit. They drank quite a bit and talked to people they didn’t know, but it was mostly drinking. Both of them seemed to think that that was the only way to spend the night.

‘Sup?’ asked Samuel when he bumped into Luke a bit later. His pupils were big and he had a big, unnatural smile on his face.

‘Oh, you have coke?’  asked the blond. This night could take a turn for the better.

‘Course, babe, you want some?’

‘Yeah, please.’ He heard himself sounding like an addict. Samuel handed him a little bag of white powder and Luke pecked him on the cheek. ‘Thanks, I’ll bring it back to you.’

‘Don’t worry, ‘s not mine, you can keep it.’ Dope, thought Luke, big smile on his face. He excused himself and went into the bathroom. He poured some powder onto the marble countertop. He made lines using his credit card and sniffed them up in a quick go. He stayed locked in there for a minute, smiling in the mirror as it all rushed through his body.

‘There you are!’ Ashton said when the blond came out of the bathroom. ‘I literally lost you for what felt like eternity.’ He studied Luke’s face as Luke studied his, before they both burst out in laughter, punching each other in the shoulder.  

‘Wow,’ the blond laughed, out of his mind. ‘Ashton! You don’t even like coke!’

‘I know, right?’ The last time Luke had seen Ashton high on cocaine was ages ago, at the start of their break when they had gone out. ‘Some guy just guy just gave it to me and I was like hell yeah! I just really felt like it today!’ He looked energetic and fiery, his pupils big and nostrils flared.

‘Love that! Let’s go dance!’ They danced like crazy guys and it was really good for them. Ashton looked incredibly hot when he didn’t care about others watching him and it really did things to Luke. Drinking became much easier after the coke and they just laughed while drowning themselves in alcohol. Pretty much everybody at the party was fucked up and they fitted right in, almost finishing the baggie of dust that Samuel had given Luke, taking small doses at a time to really keep themselves going. Phones lied abandoned on the tables in the yard. Luke hadn’t been worried about people spilling about them being there, or doing fucking cocaine, for a moment. Probably not the best idea, but he really had faith in humanity for once.

‘We should probably get going,’ chuckled Ashton when a bunch of people started to leave. ‘God, we have a show tomorrow.’

‘Holy shit,’ laughed the blond. ‘We’re not telling anybody we stayed this long. This wasn’t supposed to happen.’ His voice wasn’t laced with panic, just with giggles. He didn’t _really_ care, at least not in that moment. They said their goodbyes to the people at the party and took an Uber home. ‘This was amazing,’ said Luke when they got out of the car at home.

‘’m So fucking happy you moved in with me,’ Ashton growled with laughter as they entered the house. ‘Wouldn’t have wanted to leave your side for a second right now.’ He took Luke’s hand and led him to the living room. ‘Fuck, I love you.’

‘Shit, man, I love you too.’ And they were a little too close to each other, a little too close for just friends, just bandmates. Ashton’s hands found their way onto Luke’s ass and he started kissing him. There wasn’t a second of Luke that thought that this might be a bad idea and he leant right into it, kissing the man back with all he had. He felt so desperate for this, had been feeling so desperate for this for so long, and he was finally getting it. ‘Ash, I need you.’

‘Fuck, Luke, I need you too.’ He just lifted the blond up, seemingly having all the strength in the world, and lifted him to the stairs, never breaking the kiss. ‘Bedroom, now.’ They stumbled up the stairs and Luke’s heart felt like it was in throat. He was nervous, his breathing uneven.

‘Ash, Ash, oh my God.’ Luke just panted as the man put him down onto the bed and attacked his neck. Ashton’s bed was so much better than Luke’s. It smelt like the drummer and it was soft, so fucking soft.

‘Off.’ A deep growl came from Ashton’s throat as he started tugging on Luke’s clothes. The blond quickly stripped and Ashton took off his own clothes. ‘Fuck, you’re so hot.’ He blindly grabbed a bottle of lube from the drawer of his nightstand and lathered his fingers up with it. It took no hesitation, he didn’t even ask Luke if he was okay with it. He just carefully but surely prodded his  digits at Luke’s hole and started fingering him. ‘So hot and all mine,’ he groaned. ‘Not Samuel’s, _mine_. Yeah?’

‘Yeah, yeah, _yours_ ,’ Luke panted. This was all he wanted, all he needed. ‘I’m good, I’m ready.’ Luke had never seen Ashton hard before, at least not really. He’d caught him jerking off a few times years ago, but not like this. ‘Fuck, you’re so big Ash.’ There was admiration in Luke’s eyes as he said it and made Ashton kiss him, hard. It all felt so desperate. ‘Need you in me, Ash. Need you closer.’ He always needed the man closer. He obeyed, rubbing his head over Luke’s opening before slowly pushing in. It was steady and there was a lot of lube and it hurt like hell but it also felt so good. Luke’s head was spinning. When Ashton bottomed out, the blond wrapped his arms around his neck and looked him dead in the eyes.

‘Never been closer to you, ever.’ Luke felt complete, in a way. Ashton started moving and it hurt, shots of pain and pleasure shooting through Luke’s body, up his spine, down his legs. ‘Oh baby, you look so good like this.’

‘Ashton,’ cried Luke, actual tears streaming over his cheeks. It didn’t hurt that much, not physically, but emotionally the blond felt so, _so_ overwhelmed.

‘Luke, you’re my everything, my _everything_.’ He said each word with a thrust. He knew where Luke’s sweet spots were and it almost felt like they had been having sex for years on end. Ashton knew it all, knew exactly where to angle and how to make Luke scream. He reached between them to jerk the younger man off, making him come within two minutes, just panting sweet encouragements at him, praising him, seemingly doing everything in his power to make him feel good. ‘That’s it baby. Almost there?’

‘Yeah,’ Luke panted.

‘Okay come for me, yeah? Come for me pretty boy. My trophy boy, yeah?’ Luke nodded, sobbing. ‘’s All gonna be okay, alright? Daddy’s here.’ And that made him cry even harder. _Fuck_. ‘Always gonna take care of you baby.’

‘Yeah daddy,’ sniffled the blond. He felt tiny, overwhelmed with everything that was happening to him. ‘’m Gonna come.’ Ashton tightened his grip around Luke’s shaft, stroking him quickly and still pounding into him.

‘Me too, come on, we’ll do it together. Always together.’ And they did, crying out each other’s names. ‘Such a good boy for me, making us so sticky.’ Luke felt Ashton’s seed inside of him, dripping down his thighs when the older man pulled out. He fell down onto his back next to the blond and pulled the singer closer. It was quiet for a while, the only sound filling the bedroom were their heavy breathings.

‘Love you,’ Luke broke the silence after about a minute. His eyes were open wide.

‘Love you too.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome.


End file.
